


i'll try my best (how much do i invest?)

by babytobin_horse



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-01 12:00:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10189448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babytobin_horse/pseuds/babytobin_horse
Summary: Lexa can never say no to Clarke, and that's the problem. (or: fake dating au)





	1. one

Lexa should have seen it coming, really.

Clarke had come home to their apartment, and the first thing Lexa could smell from the couch where she had been studying was her favorite Chinese takeout from the restaurant only a five minute walk away.

(If anyone asks, the takeout place did not affect Lexa’s decision when it came to finding an apartment to live in for their senior year.)

(Clarke knows it absolutely did - even if Lexa refuses to admit it.)

She should have seen it coming because Clarke knows Lexa was planning to cook tonight, and Clarke never complains when Lexa cooks - which is honestly way too often due to the blonde’s lack of skills in the kitchen.

It should have been obvious when Clarke let Lexa pick what DVR show they should catch up on as they had dinner because Clarke always insists on watching the newest episode of Game of Thrones even when Lexa disagrees and says they need to watch something less intense for the night.

But instead of taking notice to any and all of it, Lexa had merely given Clarke a look when the girl flashed her innocent smile before giving in by tucking away her textbook and scooting over to make room for Clarke on the couch.

Which is why Lexa almost chokes on the last of her sesame chicken when Clarke says, “I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend at my mom’s wedding next weekend.”

“I’m sorry,” Lexa says when she’s managed to swallow her food without dying. “What was that, Clarke? Because there’s no way I heard correctly.”

Clarke grimaces, placing her empty takeout box on the coffee table that sits in front of them.  “I may have made a bet with Bellamy when my mom got engaged.”

The brunette suppresses an annoyed groan and an eye roll at the hesitant statement that comes out of her best friend’s mouth. Although she’s only met Bellamy a handful of times, she knows he and Clarke have a tendency to always compete against each other, having been best friends since Clarke had met Octavia in the first grade. She likes the boy, she does, but he and Clarke being in the same room together - with or without Octavia (Lexa isn’t sure which one’s worse, to be honest) - usually ends up with stupid decisions and competitions.

“What did you bet, Clarke?” Lexa deadpans, trying her best not to let the annoyance be heard in her tone.

“Well,” Clarke huffs, crossing her arms like a child. “He said there would be no way I’d ever be in a real relationship by the time my mom gets married. I told him I definitely could,” she explains with exaggeration that Lexa can’t help but find slightly endearing. “We shook on it.”

Lexa quirks an eyebrow. “So you want to lie to Bellamy?” she asks for clarification. “Does the winner even get anything?”

“But Lexa,” the blonde practically whines. “Bellamy just gets so annoying when he wins. He gets that stupid smug attitude about everything and doesn’t shut up about winning.”

“I’m not helping you cheat,” the pre-law student tells her with a scoff. “And anyway, why can’t you get Octavia or Raven to help you?”

“Bellamy wouldn’t believe it. He’s known all of us practically our whole lives.” Clarke points out. “Anyway, Octavia would rat me out and Raven would be a terrible girlfriend.”

“He knows me.”

“Not well enough.”

“This is crazy.”

“No it’s not. It’s just you helping your best friend.”

“Clarke.”

“Alexandria.”

Lexa narrows her eyes. “Don’t use my full name on me.”

“Come on,” Clarke pouts, blue eyes looking so soft with the dim lighting of the room. “You’ll get a free road trip and also free food for a weekend.”

It’s silent for a few moments as Lexa mulls over her options. She knows the whole idea is stupid; Bellamy and Clarke have been at it for years and it’ll only be a matter of time before they find something else to bet on. Yet Clarke does have a point - she was basically getting a free vacation out of it.

(Maybe Clarke’s insanely blue eyes and begging look also sways Lexa, but she doesn’t say so.)

“Plus,” the pre-med student adds with a mischievous voice. “You get to prove Bellamy wrong. I know you like doing that.”

Perhaps Lexa does, in fact, like proving Bellamy wrong. There may have been a few quarrels - or heated discussions, as Lexa likes to call them - between the two of them in the few times they’ve met. It’s cheating, kind of. They’re not actually going to be dating, but still. The appeal of Bellamy thinking that once again Lexa has proved him wrong is too good.

Lexa wrinkles her nose. “I guess pretending to like you for a weekend wouldn’t hurt.”

(It was never going to be a no.)

(It never is, not when it comes to Clarke.)

//

“And you said  _ yes _ ?”

Lexa cringes at how loud her sister’s voice gets by the end of her question. She had already known Anya would react this way, and she was really planning to avoid the conversation but when Anya asked Lexa what her plans were this weekend she’d already blurted it out before she could even stop herself.

“It’s not that big of a deal An,” she insists, moving the phone slightly away from her ear. “It’s just Bellamy. He just gets so cocky when he wings anything against Clarke. It’s so satisfying to prove him wrong.”

“No Lexa,” Anya’s voice goes back to her normal tone. “It’s not just this Bellamy kid. You’re going to her mom’s wedding. That means you have to fool every single person attending this wedding - all of Clarke’s friends in attendance, her mom, the soon-to-be husband…”

Lexa just blinks when Anya finishes speaking because she hadn’t thought of that. She hadn’t realized that her and Clarke were out to fool everyone, not just Bellamy. Honestly, Lexa was just trying not to think about it with all the assignments and tests being thrown at her. Now here she is, just days away from lying to everyone.

She’s lying to Octavia, who at first was skeptical of Lexa and the way she exudes confidence, but quickly bonded with her as time went on.

To Raven, who shamelessly admitted Lexa is “so hot it’s a miracle Clarke hasn’t hooked up with her,” and welcomed her into their circle without hesitation.

To Abby, who - despite meeting each other only a few times over the years - has insisted time and time again if Lexa ever needs anything, just give her a call.

“Lexa, are you there?” her sister asks on the other end when Lexa doesn’t reply after a minute or two.

“Yeah,” she answers, running a hand through her tangled hair. “I’m here. I’m just...thinking.”

“Why’d you say yes, Lex?”

The young brunette doesn’t repeat her reasoning from earlier. She knows Anya’s asking for something more, something deeper. Except this time, she doesn’t know what Anya wants her to say.

(Saying no to Clarke has never been a thing for Lexa.)

(She wonders if Anya has caught on.)

“She’s my best friend,” Lexa manages to reply.

Anya lets out a long, drawn out sigh. “Be careful kid. Things like this never end well.”

Lexa ignores the turning of her stomach at Anya’s words.

//

Clarke’s been looking at Lexa every now and then since they started their four hour drive out to Arkadia. Lexa pretends she doesn’t notice, instead opting to check her phone or look out her passenger side window at cars and roads and basically anything but Clarke. There’s music from Clarke’s road trip playlist she’d made in the week leading up to the trip, and although it’s providing upbeat sounds, all Lexa can feel is the utter guilt of what she’s agreed to.

Not even an hour into the trip, Clarke breaks the silence.

“You’re being weird.”

Lexa doesn’t look away from her window. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Clarke takes her eyes away from the road to look at Lexa for a moment. “You don’t want to do this anymore.”

She frowns, turning away from the views of cars to face Clarke. “It’s not-”

“I can tell,” the blonde says quietly, eyes back on the road. “You’ve been weird the past few days. I bet you’ve been re-thinking your decision to do come with me.”

“Clarke,” Lexa sighs, letting her shoulders drop as she glances at the girl who watches the road. “You know this isn’t just Bellamy we’re trying to fool. It’s everyone. It’s Raven, Octavia, your  _ mom _ .”

“I know Lexa,” Clarke says calmly, switching lanes to overtake the prius going much too slow for her liking. “My mom already thinks we’re dating with the ungodly amount of time we spend together.”

“What?” Lexa gapes, staring at Clarke as if she’s grown a second head.

The blonde shrugs, still keeping her eyes focused on the road. “When I told her I was bringing a date to her wedding she was a little overly excited. Before I could even give her any more details, she said it was about time we got together.” She turns her head and flashes that lopsided smile Lexa can’t help but adore when it comes. “She totally loves you, you know. Maybe even more than me.”

The brunette gives her a skeptical look, trying to process all of this information. Abby already thinks they’re dating. She thinks Lexa and Clarke are together. She thinks because they spend so much time together there’s no other explanation than they’re dating.

It’s ridiculous, of course. Best friends always spend time together, don’t they?

At least, it makes perfect sense to Lexa.

“Oh god Clarke,” Lexa gasps. “What if Abby finds out we’re faking it? We’re going to ruin her whole wedding.” She throws her hands in the air, panic filling her insides as she imagines a distraught Abby when she realizes Clarke isn’t dating anyone at all.

“Lexa.”

Clarke’s voice is steady and strong, much like the girl herself. Her right hand immediately reaches out, grabbing Lexa’s wrist gently to stop it from waving around. Her grip on Lexa is firm, and she turns away from the road again to look at the brunette. Those cerulean eyes stare at her so intently that Lexa’s convinced she could come apart with a single glance. Except she doesn’t. In fact, it’s got quite the opposite effect.

“It’s going to be fine,” Clarke murmurs, looking back to the road for a moment before returning her attention to Lexa. “No one’s going to find out. No one.”

Her thumb runs across the skin on Lexa’s wrist, knowing it’ll get her best friend to calm down. She slowly guides Lexa’s arm back down, letting the girl’s hand rest on her knee. Clarke doesn’t release her hold on the girl, easily steering with one hand as she continues to run her thumb across Lexa’s wrist.

“Okay,” Lexa breathes, leaning back into her seat and closing her eyes. “And if they do?”

She’s still concerned, but Clarke’s steady strokes manage to keep her worries at bay. Lexa feels Clarke’s gaze on her again so she turns her head slightly and opens her eyes to see the blonde give her a wink.

“They won’t.”

When she spots the easy smile Clarke flashes at her, the stuttering of her heartbeat finds a steady rhythm once again. It’s a smile that has almost everyone charmed when they meet the pre-med student. It’s the smile Clarke gave Lexa the first time they met their freshman year, when Lexa grunted something about calculus being stupid and Clarke heard her from two seats away.

“Well we better get our story straight,” Lexa informs her, offering a hint of a smirk.

“But we’re not straight,” Clarke jokes, her smile widening out into a grin.

Lexa tries her best to be annoyed, but instead a full laugh escapes her lips paired with “Come on, Clarke.”

(Clarke doesn’t release her grasp on Lexa until they finally make a stop an hour later.)

(Lexa doesn’t mind. They’re best friends.)

(She should know this is trouble.)

//

Four hours and a few stops later, Clarke’s driving them into a rather nice neighborhood. Lexa’s known Clarke’s expenses have never come as a problem, really. She knows Abby works at the highest ranked hospital in Arkadia and all the surrounding cities, and that her father was an engineer before he passed.

“Mom should be home right now,” Clarke informs Lexa as the car slows when they navigate around the neighborhood. “Kane might be too, I don’t really know.”

Lexa merely nods, taking in the big houses and the pretty front lawns with shiny cars parked in the driveway. From what Clarke’s told her, Marcus Kane is also an engineer of some sort and worked with Jake Griffin for years. In Clarke’s perspective, he sounds like a nice man.

(A nice man she’s about to lie to, she doesn’t remind herself.)

“We’re really doing this,” Lexa muses as Clarke pulls into a driveway of a nice-looking two story home. She feels her nerves growing as she stares longer at the house. She has to pretend to be Clarke’s girlfriend. 

Clarke kills the engine, shooting Lexa an honest gaze. “You can say no, Lexa. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I’m not going to force you.”

(Except Lexa can’t say no when Clarke asks.)

(Clarke hasn’t caught on yet.)

She looks at the blonde, and she’s afraid to see what that face will look like if she says no. She wonders - for a fleeting moment - what would happen if she freaked out and told Clarke there was no possible way she could go through with this.

“We should really get out of the car,” she tells her instead, unbuckling her seatbelt before she adds, “ _ babe _ .”

There a flicker of worry that comes across Clarke’s features before she relaxes with grin. “I love you, Lex. You’re the best, you know that?”

Lexa lets out a soft laugh, shaking her head. “Don’t thank me yet, we’ve got to get through this weekend first.”

(She ignores the way her heart beats faster at Clarke’s words, almost like she’s hoping they mean more than they do.)

“Clarke! Lexa! You’re here!” Abby exclaims as she approaches them once they’ve made their entrance into the house.

The house is extremely nice on the inside, Lexa notes, except it’s not over the top. Even though it’s much nicer than what Lexa’s used to, there’s still a sense that it’s home and not just a house to Clarke and her family. Abby’s looking comfortable in yoga pants and some old t-shirt Lexa figures is from one of Clarke’s high school fundraisers from back in the day. There’s the smell of something sweet cooking in the kitchen, and she feels somewhat entranced by the whole scene playing out in front of her.

“Hey Mom,” Clarke smiles, allowing herself to be engulfed in Abby’s embrace as she drops her bags.

Lexa can’t help but smile as she watches the mother and daughter. She knows Clarke is rather close with her mom, a big part of that following the death of Jake Griffin. They had just become friends with it happened, but Lexa held Clarke tightly and let the girl cry as much as she wanted on her. She didn’t make promises she couldn’t keep, but she’d whisper Clarke’s name gently like a prayer when she would begin to calm down. She’d seen the progression of Abby and Clarke’s relationship after that, watched as Clarke was more careful, made sure to call her mom and visit home often.

Lexa wishes she still had that - at least one parent to come home to.

Abby finally releases Clarke, who lets out a dramatic grunt. She turns her attention to the brunette and her grin only grows wider. “Lexa, it’s so nice to finally have you in Arkadia.”

“It’s nice to finally see where Clarke grew up,” she replies, giving Clarke a teasing smile when the blonde rolls her eyes.

The doctor then wraps her arms around Lexa, and the brunette waves off Clarke’s look of concern. She’s not big on affection, but something about Abby feels motherly and right. Lexa hugs her back, letting herself revel in the way this interaction doesn’t make her feel uncomfortable in any way.

“Mom let her go, she needs to breathe,” Clarke jokes.

Abby laughs, full and bright just like Clarke often does, and drops her arms. “I’m sorry, it’s just so nice that you two are together now. I was just telling Marcus earlier that it was only a matter of time.”

At this Lexa freezes, having already forgotten that she was here as Clarke’s fake girlfriend, not as her best friend. She feels a hand slip into hers and lets herself be tugged towards a smiling Clarke. Clarke’s hand is warm and somehow she fits in the spaces between Lexa’s fingers perfectly. Lexa’s voice is stuck in her throat as those thoughts cross her mind, but Clarke comes with a quick reply.

“Yeah well, it’s a miracle that Lexa finds me more interesting than her law books,” she teases, an amused look on her face when Lexa glares.

Something about the way Clarke eggs her on helps her find her words.

“I never said I did,” she jabs right back, quirking an eyebrow at her. 

Abby gives Lexa a look of appreciation. “She has fire in her, sounds like a keeper Clarke.”

Clarke looks at Lexa, blue eyes giving the girl every reassuring look she doesn’t realize she needs until suddenly she’s relaxed. “Yeah, I think so too.”

(Lexa ignores the way she can’t seem to quite catch her breath from the words Clarke speaks.)

Abby smiles at the response, watching the way Lexa flushes and Clarke grins between her alleged girlfriend and her mother. “Well, you two go ahead and get settled in Clarke’s room. Marcus will be home in about an hour.”

Clarke drops her hand to carry both her and Lexa’s bags for the weekend, and Lexa wordlessly follows her up the stairs.

(She tries not to notice how her hand feels cold without Clarke holding it.)

“We made it through my mom,” Clarke says as soon as she shuts the door behind them.

Lexa only gapes at her. “Are you kidding? I completely froze when she mentioned that we were together.” She unceremoniously plops onto the end of Clarke’s bed, her face a mess of emotions.

The blonde shakes her head, leaving the bags on one side of the room as she makes her way over to Lexa, gently taking her place next to the girl . “She believed it,” she states confidently. “That’s all that matters.”

When Lexa’s worry lines don’t disappear from her face, Clarke wraps an arm around her. She pulls the taller girl close, rubbing her side gently. It makes Lexa relax lean into Clarke, allowing the comfort she offers.

“This weekend’s about to be a mess,” Lexa mumbles into Clarke’s hair with a sigh.

Clarke only chuckles. “It’ll be exciting.”

They stay like that for awhile, Clarke continuing to run her hand up and down Lexa’s side and Lexa not even thinking about asking her to stop. They share moments like this often - where they don’t need to talk and just appreciate each other’s presence. Lexa appreciates moments like this, where she can just  _ be _ without having to speak.

//

Marcus Kane is indeed a nice man.

He’s a tall man perhaps in his early fifties, but he wears the age well. His dark hair is hardly even beginning to grey, and his face holds a shadow of a beard. There are slight wrinkles on his face, but despite them he looks very handsome for his age. When he turns to Lexa in greeting, she can see kindness in his eyes and smile. It warms her heart.

“So you’re Clarke’s mysterious girlfriend,” he chuckles, sticking a hand out. 

Lexa can feel Clarke’s eyes on her, wondering if she’ll freeze again.

This time she doesn’t.

“I’m not so sure about mysterious,” she admits with a laugh, giving his hand a firm shake. “But yes, I’m Lexa Woods.”

“Well it’s definitely nice to meet you Lexa Woods,” he grins at her. “I’m Marcus Kane, but you can just call me Marcus.”

Lexa feels herself breathing a little easier after their introduction. He does seem like a good man, and the way he’s already joking with her has the girl smiling. She allows Clarke to lead her to the dining room, where she sits next to Clarke, with Abby and Marcus across from them. She takes a look at the plates on the table, taking in the delicious scent of it all.

“Everything looks so good,” she tells Abby, smiling when she sees Abby’s look of appreciation.

Clarke grins at her. “Mom’s cooking is so good, Lex. I’ve told you it’s literally one of the main reasons I come home.”

Lexa rolls her eyes, but she’s appreciative of Clarke beside her making conversation flow. “Leaving me alone on those weekends - thanks for reminding me.”

“Seeing your mother isn’t enough?” Abby challenges, giving Clarke a raised eyebrow with a threatening expression to go with it.

At this Clarke’s teasing softens and she offers her sweetest smile. “The food comes with seeing my mother, of course.”

Marcus laughs, low and gruff. “Good save, Clarke.”

Lexa smiles at the whole interaction, enjoying the company of Abby and Marcus as well as feeling relaxed with Clarke by her side and looking so in her element. Clarke’s right - Abby’s food does taste delicious, and Lexa tells her so immediately after swallowing her first bite. Clarke grins at her with an encouraging expression and reassurance in her eyes, helping Lexa breathe a little easier.

She finds herself more relaxed as dinner continues. Abby and Marcus are more concerned with how the girls are doing in school than their relationship, and for that Lexa is grateful. Halfway through dinner, Abby mentions something about “always knowing you two would end up together,” and the brunette tenses slightly, eyes widening just a bit while Abby looks down at her plate as she cuts her meat. Not even a moment later there’s a warm hand on Lexa’s jean-covered knee, and she turns slightly to see Clarke’s pretty blue eyes reminding her that she’s not in this alone, that Clarke is right here with her.

“It’s okay,” Clarke mouths, hand still pressed on top of Lexa’s knee.

Something inside of Lexa relaxes when she meets Clarke’s gaze and feels the warmth of Clarke’s hand on her knee. It’s an immediate reaction that happens every time Clarke fixes one of her warm and soft looks towards Lexa, the one that Lexa swears is reserved for the brunette’s moments of panic. She still doesn’t understand it - how Clarke is able to calm her down with just a glance.

Often she brushes it off as something best friends do.

//

Lexa’s teeth are freshly brushed and she’s dressed in her pajamas as she walks out of Clarke’s bathroom. The rest of the dinner had gone well, and after insisting that she help clean up (to which Abby insisted it was fine and that they should get some rest) Clarke and Lexa had trudged up the stairs side by side back to Clarke’s bedroom.

“You don’t mind sharing a bed, right?” Clarke asks as she places her phone down on her nightstand, looking up to pay attention to Lexa. “I know it’s smaller than the ones back in our apartment, but it’s from when I was younger.”

Lexa only shrugs. “It’s not like we haven’t shared a bed before.”

And it’s true, the two of them have shared a bed on a number of occasions. When they’re drunk and tired, too lazy to make it to separate rooms and instead stumble together to the room closest to them (usually it’s Clarke’s) before collapsing onto the sheets. When they’re crashing at a friend’s place and there’s not enough beds and couches and sleeping bags and general floor space for everyone to get their own. Hell, they’ve even shared a couch together once.

It’s normal, best friends do that.

Clarke takes her answer with a nod of agreement and pulls the covers, climbing in. She pats the spot next to her, grinning widely at Lexa. “Come on then, my wonderful  _ girlfriend _ . **”**

(Lexa’s heart most definitely doesn’t stutter at the way Clarke calls her “girlfriend.”)

She lets out a laugh, easy and light as she rolls her eyes but still makes her way over.

(Lexa can never say no to Clarke.)

“I wouldn’t say I’m a wonderful girlfriend,” she admits with a tentative laugh as she situates herself under the sheets. “I couldn’t even string together words when your mom or Marcus first brought up the words ‘girlfriend’ or ‘together.’”

“Hey,” Clarke frowns when she notices the critical slight scowl Lexa wears. She knows it well. “Stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“You know what.”

“I have no clue what you’re talking about,” Lexa huffs.

There’s a slightly annoyed expression on her face, but Clarke’s lips are tugging at an endearing smile Lexa misses. “You just need to get used to it, that’s all,” she reasons. “You were fine after awhile.”

“After you calmed me down,” Lexa mumbles without meaning to.

She hopes Clarke didn’t hear it.

Clarke pulls a gentle smile. “Yeah,” she nods. “When I calmed you down.”

The brunette meets her eyes and the soft look Clarke is giving her suddenly makes Lexa feel like she’s much too close and too warm to be under these covers, sharing this bed with another person.

“Just...if you start to freak out, look at me,” the pre-med student instructs her. “You’re not alone Lexa, I’m here.”

Lexa nods, because Clarke’s right. She’s always there.

She was there when Lexa failed her first exam in her life their freshman year, bringing her a cupcake and iced tea just the way Lexa liked it the next day.

She was there when Lexa was too sick to even do so much as move their sophomore year, skipping classes (though Lexa told her not to) in order to nurse her back to health.

She was there when Lexa got her heart broken by Costia their junior year, filling the freezer with ice cream and letting Lexa pick whatever they wanted to watch without hesitation.

And now, senior year, she’s here reassuring Lexa that she’s fine, nothing is wrong, she can do this.

“Okay,” Lexa says in a voice only slightly above a whisper.

“Okay,” Clarke answers in the same tone. “Let’s go to sleep, I know you’re tired.”

Lexa nods, and she comfortably slides the rest of her body under the covers. She can hear Clarke shuffles out of bed to turn off the lights before returning under the warmth of her bed sheets.

Clarke’s phone keeps buzzing every two seconds with new messages filling her phone.

“Are you going to get those?” Lexa asks, eyeing the buzzing phone before looking at Clarke.

The blonde makes a small frown before shaking her head. “They’ll be there in the morning. It’s just Raven and Octavia.”

Suddenly, Lexa frowns. She looks at the clock on Clarke’s night stand, knowing it’s a little early for college students such as themselves to go to bed. She feels a tinge of guilt. “If they want to see you, you can go Clarke. I’ll be fine here.”

“It’s fine, Lexa.” Clarke tells her, voice close as they lay on their back side by side, staring up at the dark ceiling above them.

“I know you don’t get to see them much these days.”

“It’s not me they want to see,” Clarke chuckles. “It’s you.”

Lexa raises an eyebrow, shifting so she can see Clarke’s still figure. “What?”

Clarke moves, mirroring Lexa’s position so they face each other.

(Lexa doesn’t think about how close they are. She doesn’t think about the way she can see Clarke inhale and exhale.)

“They can’t wait to harass us about dating.” She rolls her eyes in the dark, but Lexa can still see how blue they are. “I didn’t want to tell them who it was. I was going to let them wait until tomorrow night’s rehearsal dinner, but they’re persistent.”

“Of course,” Lexa snorts, knowing Clarke’s right. She doesn’t think she’s met anyone nearly as determined to get what they want as Raven and Octavia.

“Anyway, they can wait. I need my sleep. We’ll meet up with them tomorrow for lunch or something,” Clarke explains before she returns to lying flat on her back. 

Lexa nods. “Sure.”

She drops her hand, letting it fall into the sheets before turning so she’s sleeping on her other side. Her back is to Clarke and Lexa can already feel the heaviness of her eyelids pulling her to sleep. Except her heart is still not settled from how close in proximity Clarke was to her. And this isn’t something that should be spectacular to her.

This is Clarke Griffin, her best friend.

“Goodnight Lexa,” Clarke mumbles, already half asleep.

“Goodnight Clarke,” she replies, waiting for sleep to take her.

(If she dreams of those blue eyes, she doesn’t remember.)


	2. two

Lexa finds herself in quite the predicament when she wakes up.

Thanks to her ever faithful internal alarm clock, she wakes to find Clarke still sound asleep with no indication she’ll even think about opening her eyes anytime soon. Her blonde hair is a lion’s mane sprawled out on the pillow she lays her head upon, and her breathing is slow and even.

That’s not the problem.

The problem is that Lexa wakes up and she finds Clarke’s back practically pressed up against her chest, her shirt hiked up to expose her side. The brunette also finds her own arm slung low around Clarke’s waist, her fingers mere inches away from the blonde’s. Lexa takes in a sharp breath, her eyes going from Clarke’s side to her fingers to her still sleeping face. Her cheeks flush with heat and she tries to ignore the bubbly feeling low in her stomach.

(Best friends do not sleep like this, Lexa knows.)

She slowly lifts her arm, watching her best friend carefully as she does so. Clarke only lets out a puff of breath, but otherwise remains undisturbed. Realizing Clarke probably isn’t even disturbed in the slightest by Lexa and her movements, the brunette rolls off of the bed, landing ever so gently on her feet when she reaches the end of her side. The only indication that Clarke shows of being aware of Lexa’s absence is pulling more of the covers on top of herself.

Lexa smiles half-heartedly before grabbing her clothes for the day and taking a long shower.

When she returns, Clarke is in the middle of the bed, in a half-sitting position and squinting at her phone. Lexa finds the sight amusing but slightly endearing all the same, and she watches the half-asleep Clarke as she glares at her phone.

“Raven and Octavia still texting you like crazy?” she teases when she realizes Clarke hasn’t noticed her yet.

Clarke blinks, looking from her phone to Lexa. “Yes actually,” she grunts, but her smile softens when Lexa approaches and sits at the end of her bed. “Apparently we’re having lunch with them today.”

Lexa laughs at Clarke’s frustrated groan that follows a series of new texts that come into her phone. “Well, tell them I’m happy to have to lunch with them today.”

“Sure,” Clarke snorts, typing away a response before looking back up at Lexa. “Are you sure? It’s Raven and Octavia.”

“I’ve met them before Clarke,” Lexa reminds her.

“Not as my girlfriend you haven’t.”

“Is it that bad?”

Clarke lets out a long sigh and she puts her phone back on the nightstand. “They’re going to want to know every detail. Like, I mean - well, you know how intrusive they can get.”

Lexa nods, slightly cringing at the memory of Raven outright just asking her if she’s gay within five minutes of them meeting freshman year.

“I won’t put you through that if you don’t want to.”

Clarke’s eyes are understanding. She’ll let Lexa back out of it, let her say no if she wants to.

“You can’t get rid of me that easily, Griffin.”

(Lexa can never say no to Clarke.)

(It’s starting to become a problem.)

//

Lexa fidgets in the passenger’s seat, trying to read Clarke’s oddly calm expression. After a quick breakfast with Abby, Clarke kissed her mother on the cheek with a small smile before tugging her best friend out the door.

“Where are we going?” Lexa had asked as she buckled her seatbelt and fixed Clarke with a confused expression. “Lunch isn’t for another few hours.”

“We’re going to see someone” was all Clarke had replied before backing out of the driveway and driving out of the neighborhood.

Only ten minutes later, Clarke is pulling up to small florist and getting out of the car. Lexa wordlessly follows, trying to understand what on earth is happening. She mumbles thanks as Clarke holds the door open behind her, and she opens her mouth to ask Clarke what they’re doing at a florist, but the old lady behind the counter is already smiling.

“Clarke! So nice to see you again.”

Clarke smiles right back at her. “Hi Laura, the usual please.”

Laura nods. “Of course, and hello to you,” she winks at Lexa before walking off to collect Clarke’s “usual.”

Lexa looks at the colorful display on her right before clicking her tongue. “Regular, huh? Is this how you wooed all the ladies in high school?”

“Please,” Clarke snorted, a hint of a smile on her lips. “That’s a little cliche for me, isn’t it?”

“What? Did you show up with a bottle of vodka on your first date?” she jokes, and her eyes only light up when Clarke scowls. “Clarke!”

“Maybe it happened once or twice,” the blonde huffs, crossing her arms.

Lexa laughs, taking a step towards Clarke and wrapping her arms around her shoulders from behind her. “You were something in high school, weren’t you?”

Clarke shrugs in Lexa’s hold. “Have I gotten boring in college?”

The brunette shifts her head so Clarke can see her face and grins. “Not in the slightest.”

Her best friend grins back at her and Lexa can’t remember anything that looks better than Clarke right now.

“Here it is Clarke.”

The woman’s - Laura, Lexa recalls - voice interrupts them both, forcing them to turn their heads back to the counter. Laura’s wrapping up the small bouquet and smiling at them fondly. Realizing the position they’re in, Lexa’s just about to pull away from Clarke, but Clarke’s hands are quick and find Lexa’s forearms, holding her in place. The brunette doesn’t understand it at first, but Laura asks before she can.

“Is this your new girlfriend, Clarke?”

“Yeah,” Clarke nods without hesitation, a smile spreading nice and slow on her lips. “This is Lexa. We’re best friends.”

“We met our freshman year,” Lexa adds, letting her arms hang loosely over Clarke’s shoulders when the girl’s hands loosen their grip.

“Oh have you been dating all throughout college?” Laura asks.

“No,” Clarke says rather quickly. “This...this is kind of new.”

Lexa almost feels bad for lying to this old lady. She looks sweet and kind and greeted Clarke so warmly that she must’ve known Clarke as more than just a girl who stops by for flowers. 

It’s not a lie, she decides. It  _ is _ kind of new to them. They just don’t need to specify  _ how _ new.

Laura looks at them kindly saying, “Well, good luck to the two of you. It seems like it’s really something.”

Lexa almost wants to laugh because there’s no way this woman’s serious. She and Clarke weren’t even remotely trying to do anything. Instead, she lets her arms fall when Clarke’s hands drop from them to grab her wallet and pay for the flowers. As she hands over the money, she tucks her wallet back into her pocket and then - much to Lexa’s surprise - her hand slips into the brunette’s ever so casually she almost misses it.

“Here you go dear,” Laura smiles as she hands over the flowers. “You two have a good day now, and send that mother of yours congratulations.”

Clarke nods and offers a smile in parting. “I will.”

She takes the flowers in her free hand and leads Lexa out the door, hands still intertwined. Once the store’s door closes behind them, she drops Lexa’s hand and smiles weakly.

“I’m sorry. Arkadia’s not huge,” she explains, as she kindly opens the passenger door for Lexa. “People know people.”

Lexa nods, sliding into the car. “You don’t have to apologize, Clarke. You know this is why I’m here, right?”

Clarke laughs, bouquet in one hand and the other leaning against the car door. “What would I do without you?”

“With your inability to cook? Get fat off of takeout every night.”

The pre-med students scoffs, forming a pout on her lips. “You’re an asshole, you know that?”

“An asshole who cooks,” Lexa smirks.

“Fuck you,” Clarke deadpans, handing Lexa the bouquet as she slams the car door in a playful manner before making it to the driver’s seat.

Lexa quirks an eyebrow. “I didn’t know that was part of the fake girlfriend requirements.”

“Lexa!” Clarke groans, sending Lexa into a fit of laughter.

(She misses the way Clarke’s cheeks flush at the comment.)

//

The fall into a steady quiet for the twenty minute ride. Lexa doesn’t ask where they’re going; she can tell by Clarke’s silence that something is serious about wherever they’re doing and whoever they’re going to see. They let the radio hum softly between them, filling the spaces their silence leaves. Lexa looks outside her window and takes in the scenery of Arkadia as they pass by, wondering where Clarke often hung out with her friends and what were her favorite things to do growing up.

There’s more greenery than buildings and in the distance, Lexa can see a black gate surrounding a large area. As they get closer, Lexa notices the tombstones.

Oh.

She’s about to meet Jake Griffin.

Lexa casts a glance at Clarke, who takes her eyes off the road for a moment and flickers a soft smile across her features before turning away. Without hesitation, Lexa reaches over the console, resting a hand on Clarke’s knee. Clarke takes her right hand off the steering wheel to place it on top of Lexa’s.

“I’m okay,” she whispers.

“I’m here,” Lexa replies.

Clarke pulls up to the first parking spot she sees, one hand still resting on top of Lexa’s as she leans back in her seat. They sit in silence for a moment. Lexa looks at Clarke; Clarke closes her eyes and lets out a breath she’d been holding in.

They don’t saying anything. Lexa knows Clarke wants her to be here, that she brought Lexa to visit her father’s grave. Something inside of her swells at the understanding, at the fact this means a lot to Clarke and that she’s sharing this with her best friend.

“Are you ready?” she asks softly.

Eyes still closed, Clarke nods. “Let’s go.”

They both step out of the car and Clarke makes her way to the other side, taking the bouquet Lexa holds out for her. She offers a small smile, and leads the way around the cemetery, knowing this place so well after coming as often as she can when she’s home. Lexa follows behind closely, her hands in the pockets of her sweater.

They stop at a tombstone a minute or two later, and Clarke lets out a long, shaky breath. Lexa moves to stand besides her, and watches as Clarke places the flowers on the ground. Lexa reads the inscriptions on the stone, her heartstrings tugging at her chest as she imagines how broken Clarke was, just months away from starting college.

“It’s still hard sometimes,” Clarke admits, standing upright once again. Her voice is quiet and shaky and so uncharacteristic of her.

Lexa presses her shoulder against Clarke’s, offering her support. “I know.”

“He’d be happy for my mom I think,” Clarke continues, leaning into Lexa’s support, resting her head on the brunette’s shoulder. “He and Kane got along well. He’d want what’s best for her, you know.”

“Yeah,” the brunette nods, and when she breathes in she can smell Clarke’s shampoo it’s almost dizzying. “I think he’s proud of you, too.”

Clarke lets out a soft laugh. “I hope so. I don’t think he would’ve liked Finn.”

Lexa scoffs, rolling her eyes. “I didn’t like Finn.”

“I know you didn’t,” the blonde smiles against her shoulder, pressing her side impossibly closer to Lexa. “Dad would’ve liked you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Clarke nods, lifting her head so she can look at Lexa. “You would’ve laughed at his stupid jokes.”

Lexa glares at her. “Maybe you just don’t understand humor like me and your father.”

The pre-med student just smiles. “He would’ve told you to call him Jake.”

“I would still call him Mr. Griffin.”

“I know,” Clarke nudges her gently. “That’s why he would’ve loved you even more than I think he would.”

They stay a few more minutes, silence falling over them as they both pay respect to Jake Griffin. Clarke leans against Lexa every now and then, taking in deep breaths and Lexa is right there to give her a gentle squeeze. After running her fingers along the top of the grave, Clarke leads the way back to the car.

“Lexa?”

“Yes Clarke?”

“Thank you.”

“It’s what best friends do.”

//

The Ark’s Ship is a busy restaurant in east downtown. Teens and young adults bustle around, either ordering from the counter or chatting it up at the tables as they wait for their food. Clarke remembers coming here so often in high school it’s a miracle she didn’t get sick of it. Often she and her friends would hang out and order sodas while avoiding responsibilities for a few hours.

“CLARKE!!!”

“CLARKEY!!!” 

Clarke has her hand in Lexa’s, easing the girl’s worries with casual conversation to keep her calm when she hears them. She turns her head and before she knows it Octavia and Raven are both racing towards her. Next to her, Lexa laughs and tugs her hand free, effectively moving away from the chaos before it hits.

“Ow!” Clarke yelps when Octavia roughly jumps on her, giving her a koala hug. The blonde falters, but manages to stay upright.

“Oh Griff, we’ve missed you!” Octavia cries, kissing the top of Clarke’s head before hopping off.

“I missed you more!” Raven argues, pushing Octavia aside to pull her friend into a hug. “Engineering school is hard, you know.”

“Oh please,” Clarke laughs, hugging her back. “I know you’re getting the best grades in your class.”

“I mean,” the engineer smirks, pulling away. “You’re not wrong.”

The blonde lets out a snort as Octavia simply rolls her eyes. Raven turns, giving Lexa her full attention.

“Woods,” she nods appreciatively. “Good to see you and Griff over here finally banged.”

“Raven!” Clarke groans.

Lexa, to her credit, only rolls her eyes before offering a smile. “Nice to see you too, Raven.”

Raven has always been so blunt and forward about everything, and Lexa knows she’s doing it mostly to rile her friend up so she pays no extra mind to it despite Clarke’s apologetic expression.

“Yeah Lexa,” Octavia echoes with a smirk. “Raven and I were convinced Clarke lost her game.”

“It’s so nice to be back,” Clarke mutters, glaring at both her friends.

“Well come on,” the smallest of the four says eagerly. “Let’s order, I’m starving!”

Raven lets out a noise of agreement before following Octavia directly to the counter, where they order without a second look at the menu, having been here so many times. Clarke and Lexa hang back for a moment, with Clarke’s hand on the small of Lexa’s back as she rubs the area gently.

“I’m sorry about them,” Clarke mumbles so no one else hears.

Lexa shakes her head, trying to focus on the conversation and not Clarke’s hand movements. “Don’t be. They’re your best friends.”

Clarke smiles, moving them forward. “Come on, lunch is on me.”

As Clarke orders, she hands Lexa their cups so she can go fill them with soda. Lexa turns without even asking Clarke what she wants because she just knows after all the years of knowing her Clarke prefers Sprite over Coke and hates Pepsi with a passion. She smiles at the thought, happily filling up their cups as Raven and Octavia stake out a table for them. Just as she finishes filling up her own cup, there’s a tall figure next to her refilling its own drink with Powerade.

“Wow, you must be very thirsty,” a voice says, noticing the two cups in Lexa hand.

Lexa looks up to find a tall, olive-skinned man giving her an amused half-smirk. He has a chiseled jaw and grey eyes, with wavy brown hair that somehow looks well done despite probably not even being brushed.

“Oh no,” Lexa laughs softly, shaking her head. “These aren’t - only one of them is mine.”

He laughs, rich and honest. “Well that’s nice of you, getting a drink for your friend as well.”

Lexa opens her mouth to reply, only to realize she’s unsure of what to say. Is she supposed to say that it’s actually for her girlfriend, or does it really matter? It’s not like Clarke could possibly know this guy, right? So there’s no point. Except she doesn’t get to answer because he’s speaking again.

“You know, for someone as beautiful as you I’d hope you’d have something equally as beautiful going on in your mind,” he chuckles. “Or do you just gape at all strangers?”

Well, he’s certainly a charmer.

“Sometimes silence is the best answer,” Lexa quickly quips, quirking an eyebrow at him in response.

(Lexa doesn’t notice Clarke making her way to the table.)

(Nor does she notice Raven and Octavia watching this exchange.)

He raises his eyebrows in approval. “I take it you’re not the type of person to fill the silence with endless chatter.”

Lexa only shrugs. “I don’t see the point.”

(She doesn’t notice Octavia and Raven calling Clarke’s attention to the scene playing out by the drink dispenser, or the flicker of genuine jealousy on Clarke’s face.)

“So I was right,” he grins. “Beautiful girl with a beautiful mind.”

The comment makes Lexa’s cheeks flush and she looks away for a moment, only to look back to see him staring at her fondly.

“Babe there you are!” she hears Clarke say as she approaches.

Lexa and the guy both turn in surprise to see Clarke approaching, a rather relieved look across the blonde’s face. She feels Clarke’s arm wrap low around her waist as she tugs her closer. Both the drinks in Lexa’s hands threaten to spill with the sudden movement and Lexa suddenly feels hot.

“Hi Clarke,” she says with a confused expression.

“We were wondering where you went off to,” Clarke goes on, not even acknowledging the guy across from Lexa before pressing a kiss on the side of her head. “You were taking a while.”

She doesn’t understand why Clarke’s suddenly all touchy and leaning in close, but it’s kind of hard to think with her doing that and Lexa really just needs to sit down before she spills both of these drinks.

“Sorry,” she pouts. “I was-”

“It was my bad,” the guy says, and Clarke turns her attention to him for the first time since approaching them. “I was just striking up conversation.”

He looks a mixture of embarrassed and overwhelmed by Clarke’s presence, and Lexa can’t help but feel a little bad for him. He’s just being nice.

“Oh, hi.” Clarke blinks, seemingly unfazed by him. “I’m Clarke, Lexa’s girlfriend. And you are?”

Lexa lightly digs her elbow into Clarke’s side, but the blonde doesn’t even flinch, her cerulean eyes staring directly at him.

“Just leaving,” he smiles, picking up his own drink. “Well, it was nice to meet you Lexa. Clarke,” he nods, turning and walking rather quickly away from the two.

“Clarke!” Lexa hisses, gaping at Clarke who eyes the guy walking away. “What the hell?”

Clarke clears her throat, leading Lexa back to the table. “He was flirting with you.”

“No, he wasn’t,” the brunette frowns. “We were just talking.”

“Right,” Clarke snorts as they approach Raven and Octavia.

“Did you get his number, Lexa?” Octavia teases with a grin.

“He was certainly a nice piece of candy,” Raven nods with respect, a smirk on her lips as she watches Clarke. “He can talk to me any day.”

“We were just talking,” Lexa says in an exasperated tone, slumping into her chair after placing both of her and Clarke’s drinks on the table.

“Oh please,” Raven snorts. “He was totally giving you everything he’s got.”

“Clarke looked ready to kill him,” Octavia smirks, watching as Clarke slumps into her chair with a pout. “See, she’s still mad.”

“He was flirting with my girlfriend.” Clarke only deepens her pout.

Lexa laughs. She know it’s all fake, that Clarke’s not actually jealous and is only playing her part, but the pout is so endearing she can’t help it. She leans over, kissing Clarke’s cheek rather boldly.

“You have nothing to worry about,” she promises with a wink.

“You guys are gross,” Octavia whines, crinkling her nose.

They ignore her comment, only smiling at each other. Somehow this is becoming easier, pretending to be with Clarke.

“So,” Raven says, clearing her throat to grab their attention. “How did you two finally decide to get together? Were you drunk? Was it a hungover decision?”

Clarke glares at her. “Fuck me for having such obnoxious friends.”

“I think that’s Lexa’s job,” Octavia smirks.

Lexa’s cheeks flush. Clarke throws her head in her hands. Octavia and Raven laugh.

//

Lexa may have forgotten to pack a second dress. She has one for the rehearsal dinner tonight, but the thought slipped her mind that she’d need another one for the actual wedding the following day. She realizes this in the middle of their lunch, and Octavia wastes no time offering her services to aid Lexa in buying one for Sunday.

“It’ll be fun!” Octavia mischievously grins. “I get to bond with Clarke’s girlfriend.”

Clarke eyes her warily before turning to Lexa. “You don’t have to go. I can just take you, you know.”

Lexa shakes her head, offering a smile. “It’ll be fine, Clarke. You can catch up with Raven. We’ll be fine, I promise.”

“Yeah Griff,” Raven nods. “O gets to see you more than I do.”

Clarke stares at Lexa for a moment and they speak without words. Blue eyes meet green ones with caution, assuring if she’s right here and it’s okay to say no. Lexa gives her a look that lets her know she might be overreacting. She’s a big girl, she can handle Octavia Blake and her nonsense.

“Go have fun with Raven,” she says gently, giving Clarke’s knee a gentle squeeze.

The blonde reluctantly sighs. “Okay, text me if you need anything.”

So that’s how Lexa ends up with Octavia at the mall a mere hour later searching for a dress for Marcus and Abby’s wedding. Octavia’s super into it, dashing around the department stores, looking for something she thinks will look great on Lexa. Lexa, not one for shopping extensively, laughs and lets Octavia do most of the work as she peruses the aisles and skims through racks absentmindedly.

“I think green would look great on you,” Octavia tells her as she searches through a rack, two dresses already in hand. “It’ll really bring out your eyes.”

“Whatever you say O,” Lexa laughs, shaking her head.

Octavia pulls out another dress with a look of triumph. “This is  _ just _ the green I was looking for.”

Lexa turns to face her, noticing the three dresses in her hands. She smiles appreciatively because they’re all stunning and beautiful; Octavia really does know what she’s doing. She takes the dresses from her gently and raises an eyebrow in excitement.

“I think these are good for now. How about I try them on?”

The smaller girl nods, bouncing behind Lexa as they make their way to the dressing room. Octavia dutifully waits outside of Lexa’s changing room while the taller girl slips inside with her dresses.

“Honestly Lexa, I was really wondering when you and Clarke would figure it out,” Octavia says, leaning against the wall with the a roll of her eyes.

On the other side, Lexa sports a confused look as she changes. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh please,” Octavia scoffs. “You two have been acting like a married couple for years.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Lexa, you cook dinner almost every night for both of you.”

“It’s what best friends do,” Lexa argues, slipping on the first option of dresses.

“Best friends that like each other,” Octavia sing-songs. When Lexa ignores her comment, she continues. “You know, Clarke was a mess when you first met.”

“About her father,” Lexa assumes, tugging the dress down a little and staring at herself in the mirror.

“I mean yeah, and you were a big part of her being able to pull herself back together,” the other girl admits, waiting patiently for Lexa to come out and show her the dress. “But she was a sucker for you since day one, Lexa.”

The pre-law student abruptly opens the curtain of her dressing room, eyes looking curiously to the shorter one. “What are you talking about?”

“Clarke hasn’t told you?” Octavia laughs, then looks Lexa up and down. “It’s cute,” she nods at the dress, watching as Lexa walks past her to the body length mirror hung on the wall. “She texted me and Raven as soon as she met you. Told us you have ‘pretty green eyes that need to be painted’ and you’re ‘so hot it’s amazing she didn’t pass out’.”

Lexa quirks an eyebrow at Octavia through the mirror, dress long forgotten. “Did she...she’s painted me before?”

The smaller girl’s eyebrows furrow. “Has she not shown you any?”

“She’s given me sketches and things like that on a couple of my birthdays,” she says quietly, her lips in a small pout. “I didn’t know she’s done more than that.”

“That’s weird,” Octavia frowns. “Clarke usually shows all her girlfriends her work…”

Lexa’s eyes widen as her jaw tightens. She hadn’t know this, hadn’t figured it’d be an important detail. Of course, she’s well aware of Clarke’s art and how good the girl is. She was taken aback one day when she caught Clarke sketching a tree in class. She just never assumed that besides for birthdays, Clarke would make her the object of her art.

(The thought makes her warm on the inside.)

Octavia catches it immediately. She takes a cautious step towards Lexa. “Lexa...are you really Clarke’s girlfriend?”

Lexa swallows the lump in her throat, turning around to face Clarke’s friend. “I mean…we’re…”

“Tell me the truth.”

It might be because of the way Octavia, despite her height, stares Lexa down. It might be because Lexa’s so thrown off by the new information. It might even be because Lexa has felt like she can’t breathe when everyone watches her and Clarke.

Whatever it is, she breaks.

“You can’t tell anyone,” Lexa whispers, looking away as the guilt starts to set in. “I was just helping Clarke.”

“What?” Octavia asks, clearly confused.

“Her and Bellamy’s bet.”

A flash of recognition crosses the small girl’s face. “Oh.” She pauses. “They’re idiots.”

“Clarke’s going to freak out when she realizes you found out,” Lexa groans, her hands coming up to her head as she squeezes her eyes shut.

She’s fucked it up, she really has.

After a brief awkward moment, Octavia steps forward again, her hands grabbing at Lexa’s wrists and tugging them away from her face. “Lexa listen to me,” she says in a low voice. “I won’t tell Clarke.”

“You won’t?” Lexa asks, her voice fragile.

Octavia shakes her head. “No. Now get your ass back in the dressing room and try on another one of the awesome dresses I picked out for you.”

Lexa lets out a quiet sigh of relief, nodding to Octavia before quickly making her way back to her dressing room.

For a moment, she feels like it’s okay to breathe again.


	3. three

“Why did you agree to come as Clarke’s fake date?” Octavia asks.

Lexa shifts in the passenger’s seat of Octavia’s car. She stares out the window, biting her lip as she gives the answer she’s always given. “She’s my best friend.”

The girl in the driver’s seat shakes her head. “I know I wouldn’t pretend to date Raven if she asked me to.”

“Well,” Lexa says, straightening her posture and still looking out her window. “I’m doing it for Clarke. She needed me, and I’m here.”

(She doesn’t know how to say she can’t say no when it comes to Clarke.)

“Don’t you think it crosses lines?” Octavia pushes, eyeing Lexa when she takes her eyes off the road for a moment. “You know, touches being more intimate than usual, having to kiss each other…”

Lexa’s cheeks redden, but she’s not quick with a response like she should be.

“You guys haven’t even kissed yet, have you?” She says it like a statement rather than a question and it makes Lexa all sorts of uncomfortable.

“It hasn’t come up,” Lexa mumbles, playing with the strands of her hair. “It’s no big deal. It’ll be fine - I don’t think -”

Octavia smirks. “You’re getting all shy and awkward. I knew you have feelings for Clarke.”

(Maybe that explains the way Lexa’s heart swells when Clarke is anywhere near her.)

The taller one scoffs, tossing her hair back. “Don’t be ridiculous, O. Clarke and I are best friends.”

“You know,” Octavia’s voice drops to a softer tone, eyes glancing quickly at Lexa. “It’s not terrible if you have feelings for Clarke.”

Lexa’s eyes drop to her lap and she knows her cheeks are still hot and her stomach churns at the word. She figures Octavia’s being ridiculous right now. There’s no way she has feelings for Clarke. They’re best friends and that’s all there is to it. Falling in love with your best friend is so cliche and most often unrequited, so there’s no point in even considering it.

(Her heart hammers in her chest.)

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she finally says quietly, staring back out the window.

The smaller girl pulls up to Clarke’s house, putting the car in park before letting go of the wheel and resting her head against her seat, looking at Lexa. Lexa does her best not to shift uncomfortably under her gaze. When she looks, it feels like Octavia sees something in her that Lexa doesn’t know or understand yet. It scares her, how Octavia almost dares to challenge how well Lexa knows herself.

“Fine Lexa,” she finally relents with a sigh. “Maybe you don’t have feelings for Clarke, what do I know?”

Lexa’s shoulders drop as she feels relief that Octavia’s no longer trying to read her mind.

“Don’t forget the dress,” Octavia says. “I’ll see you tonight at the rehearsal dinner.”

“See you,” Lexa nods, grabbing the bag before stepping out of the car.

“Oh and Lexa?”

She turns, raising an eyebrow in question, hand on the car door.

“You might want to figure out the whole kissing your best friend thing soon,” Octavia says and Lexa’s jaw drops. “Bellamy can be an idiot sometimes, but he’ll be super critical of you two.”

Lexa nods numbly, shutting the door as she walks to the front door. She tries not to think about Octavia’s suggestion too much.

(She feels a sensation low in her stomach she can’t understand.)

//

“Are you okay? You’ve been quiet since you’ve come home from shopping,” Clarke notes as she watches Lexa straighten her hair. She forms a scowl as she continues. “Did Octavia do something? If she said something wrong I’ll talk to her-”

Lexa looks up in the mirror to find Clarke beginning to pace around behind her. “No, Octavia didn’t do anything,” she says quickly, not wanting Clarke to find out Octavia  _ knows _ . “I’m just...thinking.” She hums pensively as she continues to straighten her hair.

(She hasn’t told Clarke what Octavia said about meeting Lexa for the first time, either.)

Clarke stops pacing, looking up to  meet Lexa’s gaze through the mirror. “And what were you thinking about, nerd?”

“Okay first of all,” the brunette frowns, putting down her straightener as she stares right back at Clarke in the mirror. “You’re just as much of a nerd as me, Misses Future Doctor. Second, I’m just…” Lexa lets out a sigh, biting her lip nervously. “Do you think Bellamy will believe us?”

“I mean,” Clarke offers a shrug. “We’ve fooled my mom, Kane and my two best friends.”

Lexa tries not to react to the last part because they’ve only really fooled three of those people. “Yeah, but it’s Bellamy.”

The blonde sees the worry on her best friend’s face and without a second thought, she takes a few steps and wraps her arms around Lexa’s waist from behind. Her chin rests on Lexa’s shoulder as they both stare at each other in the mirror.

(For a moment, Lexa forgets how to breathe.)

“Hey, we’ll be fine,” Clarke assures her. “We’re pretty convincing already.”

Lexa smirks a little, quirking an eyebrow. “You know, that guy at lunch was pretty cute.”

Clarke scowls at the mirror. “He looked annoying.”

“Don’t tell me you’re actually jealous Clarke,” the brunette teases, ignoring the way her heart races at the thought Clarke wasn’t acting in that moment. At the idea that Clarke didn’t like the way that guy was talking to her. 

A flicker of something comes across Clarke’s face, but as quickly as Lexa notices, it disappears.

“Are you just that impressed with my acting skills?” Clarke throws back at her with a grin.

Lexa lets out a laugh, leaning back against Clarke and there’s a pit feeling in her stomach that this right here feels like home.

//

The rehearsal dinner is significantly easier with Octavia knowing, Lexa surprisingly decides. She acts just as she did before, pretending not to know anything at all, but she catches the smaller girl’s concerned glances every now and then. Lexa ignores them, not wanting to think about their conversation earlier that day. She meets Clarke’s family and Abby’s closest friends with Clarke proudly introducing her as her girlfriend. They’re all very kind, Lexa notes, as they shake her hand and smile fondly at her, telling Clarke that her girlfriend’s the prettiest little thing. Lexa blushes as Clarke grins as she tells them each time she knows.

Bellamy misses all of the rehearsal part; Octavia says he’s busy with work and it relieves Lexa momentarily. Clarke holds her hand or has an arm around her more often than not, and despite Raven and Octavia’s teasing and jokes, Lexa falls into it all too easily. Her back and forth with Clarke is nothing made up, but purely them.

Lexa wants to believe it’s because they’re such good friends.

(After her conversation with Octavia she starts to wonder if she’s wrong.)

(She shouldn’t crave Clarke’s touch when the girl pulls away even for a moment; she knows this.)

Bellamy arrives just as everyone’s being seated for dinner. Lexa’s fingers are fit perfectly in between Clarke’s as she laughs at another one of Raven’s jabs at the blonde girl. Clarke forms a fake scowl on her face at the sound of Lexa’s laugh, and Lexa’s quick to kiss her temple to make it disappear.

(She misses the way Octavia watches knowingly, watches how easy it is for Lexa to know how to make Clarke forgive her for laughing, how Lexa doesn’t hesitate to press a kiss on her head.)

Lexa spots Bellamy making his way over, a look of surprise on his face. His hair is nicer than Lexa’s ever seen it (it usually is a curly mess atop his head) and he’s dressed in a suit with a navy tie, a silver watch hidden under his sleeve. This is different than the Bellamy she’s familiar with, the one who wears jeans and t-shirts and fights with Raven over who’s better at video games. When she realizes his look of surprise is directed right at her, she turns to Clarke.

“Clarke, did you ever mention to Bellamy that I’m your girlfriend?” she asks, twisting her lips pensively.

Clarke has a mischievous look in her eyes and a smirk threatening to show on her lips. “Maybe I left it to be a surprise.”

“I told him,” Octavia admits with a shrug. “But he didn’t believe me. He said he’ll just see for himself.”

“Well he’s certainly seeing it now,” Raven snickers as Bellamy approaches them.

“Hey Bell,” Clarke greets sweetly, pulling her hand out of Lexa’s to wrap him up in a hug.

He hugs her back, trying to shake the surprised expression off his face. “Hey, it’s good to see you.”

She pulls away and Lexa can see how hard Clarke is trying not to look so smug as she wraps an arm around Lexa’s waist. “You remember Lexa, right?”

“Ah yes,” Bellamy nods, an intrigued look on his face with the surprise long gone. Lexa knows he won’t give Clarke the satisfaction of being right so easily. “Last time I saw you two, Lexa was just the best friend and roommate.”

“Have you seen the way they act with each other?” Raven not-so-subtly mumbles, making Lexa flush but Clarke only matches Bellamy’s look with one of her own.

Clarke shrugs. “Things change, Bell.”

The five of them find their seats at the table Abby has personally set aside for them. Lexa sits dutifully next to Clarke with Raven and Octavia on either side of the couple. It leaves Bellamy to sit right across the two, eyeing them cautiously. Lexa shifts under his contemplative gaze, and without a word Clarke’s hand is quick to find hers under the table to offer a gentle squeeze.

She doesn’t let go.

(Lexa doesn’t want her to.)

“So,” Bellamy starts, placing the napkin on his lap as he points his attention to Lexa. “Are you aware of the bet Clarke and I made?”

Lexa shrugs, feeling at ease with Clarke’s thumb rubbing up and down the back of her hand. “She brought it up once or twice, just to let me know you’d be skeptical of us.”

The boy - well, man Lexa supposes, since he’s older than her - lets out a pensive hum as he nods, looking between Clarke and Lexa. Despite her initial nerves and anxiety about this whole situation, she finds herself wanting to wipe Bellamy’s stupid smirk off his face along with this skepticism. She stares right back at him, one eyebrow cocked as if daring him to poke holes in her and Clarke’s “relationship.”

Raven looks at Lexa with a grin of approval as Octavia glances between Bellamy and Lexa, hoping whatever Lexa’s doing will be enough to deter him. Clarke only stares at Bellamy, wondering what on earth he’ll do now.

“Bellamy!” Abby says suddenly, noticing he’s finally made it. “I’m so glad you’re here!”

Octavia and Clarke both let out quiet sighs of relief as Lexa relaxes into her chair with Bellamy’s attention now on Clarke’s mother, entertaining her conversation and small talk. Clarke leans over her mouth right by Lexa’s ear with her hand still clutching Lexa’s.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “You know how he is.”

Lexa turns her head slightly, their foreheads pressing against each other. “What? Think your girlfriend can’t take care of herself, Griffin?”

Clarke smiles, eyes holding a certain light to them as she replies, “Yes Lexa, you’re very big and bad.”

“Shut up,” Lexa snorts softly, rolling her eyes and lightly punching Clarke’s leg with her free hand. “You know I can fight.”

The blonde hums. “Debatable,” she grins. “But you may want to ease up on that look. Raven’s practically drooling and I can’t have my friend steal my girlfriend away from me this weekend.”

“Jealous again Clarke?” the taller one teases. “That’s the second time today.”

“Of Reyes?” Clarke scoffs, rolling her eyes and ignoring the second part of Lexa’s statement. “Not a chance. You’re mine, Woods.”

This time Lexa can’t deny the way her breath catches when Clarke speaks those words. She can’t suppress the rising in her chest and how every place Clarke is touching her right now feels so, so much hotter. She doesn’t quite understand the game they’re playing anymore. She knows that they’re supposed to be fooling everyone in this room, but when no one else can hear them does it really matter? Is it still part of their act? Or is this something else?

Her eyes flicker down to Clarke’s lips before they meet bright blue eyes again. She has an idea, and maybe she’s not thinking straight but she speaks anyway. “You know what would shut Bellamy up?”

Clarke’s breathing has slowed and she can’t seem to keep her eyes all the way open, her gaze hooded. “What?”

Before she can do so much as hesitate and panic, Lexa tilts her chin forward, closing her eyes as she lets her lips press softly against Clarke’s. Clarke’s are slightly chapped, but Lexa doesn’t mind in the slightest. Clarke doesn’t respond for a second and Lexa thinks she’s gone too far, that Clarke didn’t realize kissing would be part of playing a fake couple.

But then Clarke is reciprocating.

Lexa lets herself fall into the moment, just for now. It’s nothing big, they don’t get far, but it’s soft and sweet. It’s a kiss Lexa wishes could have been her very first. She’s never felt anything quite like this. Kissing Clarke is something holy, something for the heavens. It’s sacred and fragile and Lexa wishes it would never end. She’d be content kissing Clarke for the rest of her life.

Clarke pulls away, her forehead still resting against Lexa’s as she lets out a quiet breath. Lexa’s afraid to open her eyes, afraid to see the reaction waiting for her in Clarke.

“God you guys are so disgustingly cute,” Raven complains form Clarke’s other side.

Lexa dares to open her eyes and all she finds are softly cerulean eyes looking right at her. For the first time she doesn’t quite seem to be able to read Clarke like she usually can. She bites her lip nervously for a moment, wondering if she’d screwed up.

“Was that too much?” she asks in a quiet voice only for Clarke.

Immediately, Clarke shakes her head. “No. No, it was...it was good.”

She musters up a small smile and leans away only to press a kiss on Lexa’s forehead. Lexa can’t help but smile back at her. When she turns to look at Bellamy, Abby is long gone and the boy has a look of slight shock on his face as he busies himself with glass of water by his plate. Lexa feels a slight nudge at her elbow and she’s suddenly facing Octavia.

“Impressive Lexa,” Octavia murmurs with a smirk. “That was some good acting. You know, unless it wasn’t.”

Lexa only rolls her eyes, hoping her cheeks aren’t giving her away.

(Somewhere inside of her Lexa knows everything she understands about her and Clarke is beginning to change.)

(Or maybe she’s never really understood it all along.)

//

They’re kind of tipsy off the wine from dinner.

Abby had made it clear to their group that they will not be getting drunk, as they are all responsible adults. Raven had nodded ever so sweetly that Bellamy was forced to snicker under the guise of his napkin.

But it was enough to get Clarke and Lexa more touchy than they’d been all trip. For whatever reason, Clarke’s hands were never away from Lexa for long. Bellamy seems to have decided Clarke is not lying just to win the bet and only made comments to tease Clarke in front of Lexa, much like Octavia and Raven had been doing all day.

(Lexa might have kissed the corner of Clarke’s mouth once or twice because she had seen Bellamy looking at them curiously.)

(Clarke didn’t complain, just smiled her goofy tipsy smile.)

They crawl into bed together at the end of the night, in big t-shirts and shorts. It’s dark and quiet, save for the sound of the two of them fidgeting until they’re comfortably under the covers. The silence sits in between them, but neither are bothered. Lexa knows they’re both lying closer to each other than they were last night, yet she doesn’t say anything. She likes having Clarke close, revels in the way she can feel the girl’s warmth.

“We’ve made it halfway,” Clarke says into the night minutes later.

Lexa hums. “So far, so good.”

“My family loves you.”

“They’re nice people.”

“Lexa, I’ve never seen them warm up so easily to someone I’m dating.”

Lexa turns her head to squint in the dark, attempting to find Clarke’s face. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Clarke nods, her voice tired and far away. “They love you.”

“Oh.”

“I should start bringing you to all family events,” she jokes, a soft laugh in her voice.

“I wouldn’t mind.”

“Please, you’d get sick of them. I always do.”

“They’re family, Clarke. They love you, too.”

“I wouldn’t make you come,” Clarke admits. “Not if you didn’t want to.”

(Lexa can never say no to Clarke. How hasn’t Clarke caught on?)

“Goodnight Clarke,” she says, turning her body away.

There is still wine running through her veins and a kiss still playing through her mind. She cannot keep talking when she knows she is so, so vulnerable at this moment.

She hears a soft sigh before the murmured “Goodnight Lexa.”

(This time, Lexa remembers that she dreams of blonde hair and blue eyes.)

//

When Lexa wakes up, she isn’t entirely surprised to find Clarke’s back pressed against her front again. What surprises her is the sturdy grip she has on Clarke’s waist and how her face is pressed into the back of Clarke’s shoulder. She inhales and all she can smell is Clarke, everything around her is  _ Clarke _ and for a moment Lexa lets herself revel in it. With her exhale comes her pulling away from her best friend.

Best friend.

The term seems funny in her mind now. You’re not supposed to kiss your best friends, Lexa knows. It’s now, when her mind is clear and no people to act in front of, that she realizes there’s a reason the pit of her stomach turns when she’s with Clarke.

Maybe Octavia wasn’t completely wrong yesterday.

She tries to shower and rid her mind of it, but somehow it only makes it worse. She thinks about the way Clarke has that goofy smile when she’s had too much wine, and how she has a smile that Lexa swears is reserved for her. She thinks about Clarke’s hands on her waist and the way she always makes sure Lexa is comfortable with anything happening.

All her thoughts somehow lead back to Clarke, and it scares her.

After her shower, she pulls on leggings and a long sleeve shirt, acceptable enough attire for their brunch with Clarke’s friends in a few hours, and leaves Clarke to keep sleeping as she makes her way down to the kitchen. When she arrives she finds Abby calmly sitting at the island, coffee cup in her hand.

“Good morning,” Lexa offers, as she makes her way over, pulling a seat up to sit across from her.

Abby smiles at her. “Good morning, Lexa. Let me guess, Clarke’s still sleeping?”

The young brunette laughs as she nods. “I’m always the first one up no matter what. I’m sure the wine last night also played a part in it.”

Clarke’s mother chuckles, fingers running across the faded print on her coffee mug. “Can I get you anything Lexa? Are you hungry?”

“Oh no,” Lexa shakes her head. “We’re getting brunch with Clarke’s friends later. Maybe I’ll have some coffee in a bit. It’s fine, I’ll get it myself don’t worry.”

Abby only shrugs, taking a long sip of her coffee.

“So are you ready for today?” Lexa asks, fingers playing with the ends of her sleeves as she tries to make conversation.

The question makes Abby smile into her cup. “There’s still a lot going on leading up to it, but I’m ready. I’m just so glad Clarke was able to make it.” She pauses, then looks up at Lexa. “I’m also glad she brought you.”

Lexa blushes, looking down at her sleeve-covered arms. “Thank you for extending your invitation to me.”

“Lexa,” the doctor says, her hand resting on Lexa’s arm. She waits until Lexa meets her eyes to say, “You are always welcome here.”

Lexa smiles at her, and she knows Abby’s being honest. The way she looks at Lexa makes her feel like she has a home, that she has her own little family in Arkadia. That her family is more than just Anya.

“I’m so glad you and Clarke found each other,” Abby tells her, and something inside of Lexa twists. “You make her so happy. I haven’t seen her like this with someone in a while.”

She feels the guilt tugging at her heart. There’s no Clarke to save her right now, and Lexa doesn’t know what to do. Surely, whatever Clarke’s mother is saying can’t be true. Clarke hasn’t been in a serious relationship since Finn and well, of course Lexa makes Clarke happy. They’re best friends.

Abby takes Lexa’s panicked silence as a signal to continue.

“Seeing you two together, it reminds me a lot of…” Abby sighs, readjusting her grip on the handle of the coffee mug. “Well, it reminds me a lot of myself and Jake.”

The young brunette’s expression softens at the words, and she feels like everything is so wrong. She and Clarke are not Jake and Abby Griffin. Clarke doesn’t love her. She doesn’t lo-

Her chest tightens at the thought.

“She’s my best friend,” Lexa says instead. “I’d do anything for her.”

Abby hums happily, patting Lexa’s arm. “How lucky is Clarke to have her girlfriend be her best friend as well.”

Lexa makes a soft hum of agreement, pushing off her chair to stand. “I think I’ll make myself some coffee now,” she explains, excusing herself so she doesn’t have to look at how Abby looks at her like she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to Clarke. “Do you want a refill?”

“No dear, I’m fine. Thank you.”

There’s a quiet hum in the kitchen as Lexa opens a cabinet to grab a mug for her coffee. Abby seems reflective as she sits and sips her own coffee before her phone begins to chime with texts. Lexa breathes a little easier, knowing Abby’s attention is no longer on her. She lets out a quiet breath, trying to push all the thoughts about Clarke away.

She’s too busy working the coffeemaker to hear the footsteps that make their way into the kitchen. All Lexa feels moments later are arms wrapping around her waist and a chin resting on her shoulder. Without even a second thought Lexa relaxes into the body behind her when there’s a small squeeze at her waist.

“Good morning,” Clarke murmurs, pressing a tired kiss to Lexa’s cheek.

“Morning Clarke,” Lexa hums back, ignoring the burn of where Clarke’s lips just were. “Do you want some coffee?”

The blonde nuzzles into Lexa’s neck, pulling her impossibly closer. “I’ll just have some of yours.”

Lexa scoffs with a roll of her eyes, but does nothing to deny Clarke. From the center island of the kitchen, Abby makes a small noise.

“Yes daughter, good morning. It’s so nice to see you too. It’s not like it’s my wedding day or anything.”

The brunette laughs softly at Abby’s sarcastic tone, nudging her shoulder to force Clarke off of her. The blonde reluctantly releases her with a soft grunt of disapproval before turning to her mom.

“Good morning Mom,” she says with a roll of her eyes, sauntering over to kiss the top of her mother’s head. “Are you excited?”

Abby shakes her head, trying to suppress her grin at Clarke’s antics. “Yes dear, I’m excited.”

Lexa turns with her now-made coffee in her hand as she approaches them again to reclaim her seat. “What a caring daughter you are.”

Clarke narrows her eyes at her. “Shut up.”

“Watch out Clarke,” Abby teases. “Lexa’s about to replace you as my favorite daughter.”

The blonde gapes as Lexa laughs softly, sipping at her coffee. Clarke grabs the mug when she sets it down, causing Lexa to whine and beg for it back. Abby’s phone chimes again and she’s sliding out of her chair, but Lexa hardly notices because she’s glaring at Clarke as she takes a long sip out of Lexa’s mug.

“Good luck with this one,” Abby almost apologetically says to Lexa as she waves her hands in Clarke’s direction. “I’m off to make sure everything’s set. I’ll see you two at the venue.”

“Bye mom!” Clarke waves, her other hand still clutching the mug tightly and away from Lexa.

“We’ll see you there,” Lexa promises before snapping at Clarke. “Give it back.”

“No way babe,” Clarke shakes her head, taking another agonizingly long sip.

Lexa’s lips form into a pout and she’s out of her chair, coming behind Clarke. Clarke raises the cup over her head, grinning as she does so. Her best friend lets out a frustrated groan as she reaches up for the cup. They’re bickering - more like Clarke teasing and Lexa whining - and coffee threatens to spill out of the cup, but neither cares. Lexa finally gets a hold of the cup and tugs it back into her possession, smirking triumphantly as she does so.

“Ha, nice try.”

“Yeah I let you have that,” Clarke says indignantly, puffing out her chest as she turns to face Lexa.

“Liar,” Lexa rolls her eyes, taking a sip for her own.

The blonde only shakes her head with a chuckle, wrapping her arms around Lexa’s middle and pulling her in close. Lexa stumbles slightly and makes sure to put the mug on the island behind Clarke so it doesn’t spill.

“Thanks for the coffee,” Clarke grins cheekily.

Lexa scoffs. “I didn’t offer any.” Her arms hang loosely around Clarke’s shoulders and she doesn’t pull away from the girl at all.

“I know,” Clarke hums, grinning as she presses a kiss to the tip of Lexa’s nose. “Thanks anyway.”

Though Lexa tries to fight it, there’s a small smile on her face. Her and Clarke giggle between themselves, unaware of anything else but each other. Lexa knows the feeling in her chest is something she can no longer ignore, not when Clarke makes her feel like this in the simplest of ways. Because this moment right here doesn’t feel like acting. It’s Lexa and Clarke in the most natural of ways. It’s Sunday mornings in their apartment. It’s mornings before they’re both off to long and grueling classes. It’s Clarke being Clarke and Lexa being Lexa and doing so together with no mind to anything else in the world. 

(They don’t notice that Abby is still there at the entrance of the kitchen, watching the two of them with a fond look in her eyes before sighing happily as she turns away and makes her quiet exit.)


	4. four

“We all know I’ve always been better than you Bell,” Raven says cockily as she shoves a forkful of scrambled eggs into her mouth.

Bellamy scoffs. “That’s such bullshit and you know it.”

“Does this ever end?” Lexa asks, looking between Clarke and Octavia for an answer.

Octavia snorts. “We all wish it would.”

Clarke scoffs in agreement, shaking her head as she presses her shoulder against Lexa’s. “You know,” she says in a low murmur for only Octavia and Lexa to hear. “with all the tension between the two of them due to their competitiveness it’s actually surprising they haven’t fucked yet.”

“Clarke!” the younger Blake squeals, jaw dropping. “What the fuck, that’s gross. Lexa, control your girlfriend.”

“I’m not responsible for what comes out of her mouth,” Lexa states with a slight smirk. “But she’s not completely wrong.”

The blonde grins at her girlfriend giddily. “You’re the best babe,” she tells Lexa before leaning over to press a kiss to the corner of Lexa’s mouth.

The brunette stops breathing for a moment, feeling her every fiber of her being fire up when Clarke’s mouth meets her skin. She tries to play it off with a simple smile at Clarke, but out of the corner of her eye she can tell Octavia’s watching her too closely not to notice her reaction.

“Hey Clarke can you look away from your hot girlfriend for like two minutes to tell Bellamy I have better game than him?” Raven asks, downing the last of her coffee.

Clarke only laughs, offering Lexa a wink before turning her attention to Raven and Bellamy, with the older one already refuting Raven’s statement. Lexa shakes her head with the slightest smile on her face as she watches Clarke’s expression grow amused as the two begin arguing in front of her once again. Something about watching Clarke with her childhood friends makes Lexa’s heart warm. It feels somewhat special, watching Clarke interact with them as if they’ve never missed a beat. Being a part of Clarke’s world - the world before Lexa - speaks volumes Lexa doesn’t quite understand.

(She doesn’t notice Octavia watching her watch Clarke. She also doesn’t notice the slight smirk of satisfaction that finds its way to Octavia’s mouth.)

 

Lexa stares at herself in the full length mirror. She has to say, Octavia does know style. In the end she’d gone with the green dress Octavia had fawned over when she tried on. It’s slim-fitting and falls just a few inches above her knees. Her hair falls in soft curls down her back and shoulders, and her makeup is soft but sharp.

“Clarke, we need to get going!” she calls out towards the closed bathroom door. “Your mom is going to kill us if we’re late!”

“We won’t be late,” she hears from the other side. “You worry too much.”

“One of us has to be the responsible one.”

“I’m responsible!” Clarke argues from inside the bathroom.

Lexa doesn’t even satisfy Clarke with a response, instead just shakes her head and toys with the bracelet on her wrist. She’s about to yell at Clarke again when the bathroom door opens and she hears heels hit the the hardwood floor.

“Okay,” Clarke says as she lets out a breath. “let me grab my purse and let’s-”

Her words fall short as she looks at Lexa. Lexa looks up from her bracelet to see Clarke just staring at her with her wide blue eyes. For a moment, Lexa almost forgets to breathe because Clarke looks stunning. Her simple cream dress and straightened blonde hair have Lexa struggling for air.

(Lexa thinks she’s beginning to make sense of the feeling that grows starting from her core to all over her body, the way she feels like she’s suffocating.)

She pulls herself together enough to realize Clarke is still staring at her and hasn’t moved from her position.

“What?” Lexa asks, quirking up an eyebrow.

“Lexa,” she says in a soft and reverent tone Lexa isn’t sure she’s heard before from Clarke. “You’re beautiful. I just - you look amazing.”

The brunette bites her lip, hoping Clarke can’t see just how much her cheeks flush.

“Complimenting me won’t make up for the fact you’re possibly making us late to your own mother’s wedding,” she quips rather quickly.

“Wow, is this what I get for trying to tell my fake girlfriend she looks good?” Clarke scoffs teasingly, shaking her head. She grabs her clutch off of the bed before she adds, “We won’t be late, you nerd. Come on.”

Lexa doesn’t protest when Clarke grabs her hand and leads her out of the room. She doesn’t say anything when Clarke holds her hand all the way down the stairs and out to the car where she opens the door for the brunette.

There’s no one around. The house and the driveway are all empty except the two of them. Lexa knows this is supposed to be all pretend.

Who is Clarke trying to fool now?

//

(Clarke cries a little at the wedding.

Lexa notices and holds the blonde at the waist while she presses a kiss to her forehead.

Clarke wipes the corners of her eyes and smiles at Lexa as if she’s God’s gift to the world.

Octavia knows they are no longer pretending.

The other two don’t.)

The reception hall is vibrant and lively as everyone gathers to celebrate Abby and Marcus. Lexa is surrounded by Clarke’s friends who have charmed the bartender on the far end of the hall into allowing them all to order a drink or two of the night. Raven tries to finesse her way into another, but Clarke’s quick to tug her by the arm and inform the bartender that no, Raven does not need another drink tonight.

Clarke’s been in and out of their little group all night, often being pulled into conversations with relatives and Abby and Marcus’ co-workers. Yet when she is with them, she’s often found right beside Lexa, always bumping shoulders or arms or wrapping an arm around her waist or taking her hand. Lexa knows this is just part of the act: they’re in public and this is where they really have to sell it.

But Lexa has trouble breathing when Clarke is so close. She feels like she’s on fire every time Clarke touches her, every time she pulls her close. She might burst with warmth if Clarke doesn’t stop soon.

So when Raven sneakily swipes two glasses of wine from God knows where and asks Lexa if she wants the other one, she gladly accepts.

(She doesn’t think about how it really doesn’t feel like she or Clarke are acting anymore.)

“This is my girlfriend Lexa,” Clarke introduces with ease when the two of them are approached by someone Lexa isn’t familiar with. “We go to school together.”

And Lexa’s never felt more comfortable in her role she’s been asked to play, not when Clarke smiles brightly when the person they’re talking to fawns over Clarke’s “wonderful, pre-law girlfriend.” Lexa plays her part too, engaging in conversation and smiling and laughing at all the right parts.

“God,” Clarke breathes out once the latest round of adults part ways. “They absolutely love you, Lexa. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think someone’s going to try to steal you away from me tonight.”

Lexa laughs softly. “No one could ever steal me away from you,” she reassures the pre-med student. “You’re my best friend.”

Clarke beams. Lexa’s chest swells.   
  


Lexa finds herself sitting at their assigned table for the reception by herself as she watches Clarke on the dance floor with Marcus’ little nephews. The lights have been dimmed in the venue and colorful spots interchange on the dance floor towards the front. She watches as older couples try to dance to today’s hits, Marcus having a good laugh with his fellow doctors as they take turns making fools of themselves. Yet the brunette’s eyes always go back to the blonde girl with the bright smile in the middle, swinging two little boys around and laughing as they grin up at her.

The whole scene has Lexa’s heart ready to explode with affection. She can’t find it in herself to look away, not when Clarke is laughing and happy with gentle blue eyes and a tenderness that comes around children. Not when Clarke feels her looking and turns to give her a wink before the children tug at her for attention again.

(Lexa knows what this feeling is.)

She hears the chair next to her scrape against the floor and turns to see Octavia sitting next to her.

“You couldn’t be more obvious if you tried,” the smaller girl tells her with a smirk.

Lexa’s cheeks flush, but she rolls her eyes anyway. “Everyone here thinks I’m Clarke’s girlfriend. Of course we’re supposed to be obvious.”

“Right,” Octavia nods, her voice teasing. “You guys can use that excuse all you want.”

“It’s why I’m here,” the pre-law student reminds her. “Clarke just needed a favor. She’s not - She doesn’t want me to actually be her girlfriend, Octavia.”

“Can you at least admit out loud to me that there’s something you feel for her?” Octavia finally asks bluntly. Before Lexa can even think of a response she adds, “Don’t try to bullshit your way out of this one, Lexa. Not with me.”

Lexa looks at Octavia for another moment before her eyes find Clarke back on the dance floor with the kids. She has crouched down - the best she can in her dress - to their height, holding one of their hands’ in each of hers and swinging them back and forth. The young boys are giggling and wiggling in attempts of dancing, looking between each other and Clarke. Clarke regards them with the same attention she would anyone else, nodding seriously when talk to her.

“How can you not feel something when you see that?” Lexa finally asks, eyes still very much on Clarke and the children.

Octavia studies her for a long, hard moment. She watches Lexa shift uncomfortably under her gaze before informing her, “She looks at you the same way, you know.”

The tall brunette’s eyes tear away from Clarke and once again fix themselves on Octavia.

“What? She looks at me like what?”

“The same way you’re looking at her. I’ve seen it,” Octavia continues, shrugging as she looks from Lexa to Clarke and the kids. “It’s like you’re the best thing her eyes have ever seen.”

Lexa stares at Octavia for a moment. She knows deep inside of her she wants to believe what Octavia’s saying. She wants every word to be true, needs reassurance the way she feels around Clarke is the way Clarke feels around her. She has to know that this isn’t just something made up in her head, something she’s going to overthink.

But Lexa, if anything, is not a hopeless romantic.

“You’re not serious,” she scoffs with a shake of her head. “Clarke isn’t - she can’t be - she’s never been- No. It’s not a thing. You’re delusional.”

Octavia only smiles somewhat sympathetically, patting Lexa’s knee. “Sure, Lexa. We’ll go with that.”

“Why are you so insistent?”

Octavia shrugs, quirking an eyebrow with a smirk. “Because there’s nothing exciting going on in my life, therefore, the next best thing is to live vicariously through my friends.”

“Haha so funny,” Lexa deadpans, sending Octavia a glare.

“Loosen up Woods,” Octavia says, nudging the taller girl. “Your girlfriend is coming this way.”

“Octavia are you being an ass?” Clarke asks immediately when she notices Lexa’s glare.

Octavia gasps. “Me? An Ass? I would never!”

The blonde side-eyes her childhood friend before looking at Lexa for validation.

“She’s just being ridiculous,” Lexa waves off, knowing she would never ever admit to Clarke their topic of conversation.

“Am not,” she hears Octavia mutter under her breath, but instead keeps her eyes on Clarke, who shakes her head at the both of them.

“What brings you over here, Griffin?” the smaller brunette one asks. “Afraid I’m stealing your girlfriend?”

“Not in the slightest,” Clarke laughs. “Actually, I’m saving her from whatever conversation you’re trying to put her through.”

“Oh, thank God! My hero, Clarke Griffin,” Lexa drawls out dramatically.

“Rude!”

The blonde turns her attention solely to Lexa and her lips turn up into a smile as she extends her hand. “Dance with me?”

Lexa can feel Octavia’s smug look and giddy smile next to her, but all she can see is Clarke’s shining blue eyes. She takes the girl’s hand, allowing herself to be pulled out of her seat and guided to the dance floor.

It’s only now that she realizes the fast beat of today’s radio hits are gone and something slower, more intimately sweet has taken its place. Around them, older couples are together, swaying back and forth to the slow rhythm. There’s something about the scene that throw’s Lexa’s stomach into somersaults and makes it harder to breathe.

“I’m sorry about Octavia,” Clarke immediately apologizes once they’re far enough away from her friend.

Lexa laughs softly, trying to ignore the way all her insides flip when Clarke intertwines their fingers together. “She’s fine, I can handle her. I always do.”

The blonde stops walking, finding a place on the dance floor for them, and turns to face Lexa.

“I know you do,” she grins.

She slowly lets go of Lexa’s hand and lets her arms wrap around the slightly taller girl’s shoulders, pulling her in closer. Lexa reminds herself to breathe, begging her heart to stay in tune as she guides her hands to Clarke’s waist, holding her in place. They start gently swaying to the music, just like all the other couples around them, and Lexa prays Clarke can’t hear the way her heart has already started to beat erratically out of tune.

“Is this okay?” Clarke asks, voice much quieter than it’s been all evening.

Lexa blinks, not understanding why she’s asking. “Of course, Clarke. We’re just dancing.”

“No,” the pre-med student shakes her head, eyes staying on Lexa. “I meant all of this. It’s not too much? You don’t feel uncomfortable at all? I can back off on-”

“It’s okay Clarke,” she cuts in, laughing softly. “Everything is fine. You’re fine, we’re fine.”

(She doesn’t care to explain that with her new realization of her feelings for Clarke, everything's not fine.

Clarke doesn’t need to know about the hammering in chest, or the way her heart almost bursts every other moment she’s with Clarke, or about the way she can’t get enough of her, or how even the smallest things Clarke does makes Lexa fall harder.)

Clarke looks visibly relieved, lips turning into a half-smile. “Good. You know you can always say no if it’s too much.”

(Why hasn’t she caught on? Lexa cannot say no to Clarke.)

“Are you trying to get rid of me?” Lexa teases, a playful smile across her face. “I’m not sure your family will be too happy with that.”

Now Clarke laughs, full and rich and everything that Lexa loves. “I don’t think they’ll ever want me to let you go.”

Lexa smiles, resting her forehead against Clarke’s. “We’ve got everyone fooled, don’t we Griffin?”

There’s a flicker of something Lexa doesn’t recognize in Clarke’s eyes. She tries to label it, but just as quickly as she catches it, it’s gone and Clarke is giving her one of her quiet, reserved smiles.

“Everyone’s fooled,” she agrees. “I think I picked the best fake girlfriend out there.”

The brunette glares but there’s a playful tug at her lips. “I’m only good at being a fake girlfriend? Thanks.”

Clarke pouts, tugging Lexa almost impossibly closer. “Come on, you know what I meant.”

“Do I?”

She sighs dramatically, rolling her eyes. “You’d be the best real girlfriend, too.”

Hearing it come out of Clarke’s mouth makes Lexa’s chest ache for a moment. Here they are, too close together dancing at a wedding and she has Clarke in her arms, but Clarke isn’t hers.

She is not Clarke Griffin’s real girlfriend.

“Thought so,” she says instead, forcing herself to give a smug look and try to appear wholesome despite everything inside her threatening to break.

Clarke scoffs and they both settle into the song, letting their bodies sway and only looking at each other. Lexa isn’t sure if she can handle Clarke being this close to her much longer. She can feel the heat from Clarke’s body and smell the perfume she sprayed on hours ago.

Just as she’s about to make an excuse to leave, Clarke says her name.

“Lexa.”

The tone in her voice is something Lexa hasn’t heard before. There’s a tenderness to it that makes the hairs on the back of Lexa’s neck prickle. She feels her whole body buzzing just as the way Clarke has said her name, and she’s unsure what to do about it.

“Yes Clarke?”

“I wouldn’t have wanted to bring anyone else this weekend,” she tells her, voice low and honest. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

Lexa swallows.

She doesn’t remember what it’s like to breathe normally around Clarke.

“Me too.”

Clarke’s eyes flicker from Lexa’s eyes to her lips.

Lexa thinks she’s imagining it.

Blue eyes meet green eyes again and there’s so much neither of them understand in this moment. There are things being held back and Lexa is terrified that Clarke can read her with a single look, like she so often does.

Clarke’s eyes flicker again.

Lexa doesn’t know what to say to stop herself from doing anything stupid.

Clarke does something instead.

She leans forward and presses her lips against Lexa’s, just as soft and sweet like Lexa kissed Clarke the night before. Kissing Clarke again is better than it was the first time, and Lexa lets herself fall into all of it. She plays her part just as she’s supposed to, kissing Clarke back and raising one of her hands to hold Clarke’s chin.

Lexa knows this might be the last time she’ll get this; there is no more pretending after tomorrow when they drive back to school and leave Clarke’s family and friends behind. She tries to hide her desperation in tender kisses and soft caresses against Clarke’s skin, tries not to let Clarke know how much she wants out of this.

(For a moment, Lexa ponders just how deep she’s found herself now.)

Clarke pulls away, eyes still closed. She’s catching her breathe with slow inhales and exhales and Lexa watches in a trance, not sure what to say next.

“Hey kids let’s keep it PG over here.”

Lexa and Clarke both whip their heads to see Raven looking half-amused and half-smug a few feet away.

“Fuck off Raven,” Clarke rolls her eyes, wrapping both of her arms around Lexa’s waist.

“Save it for the bedroom,” Raven jeers, winking at Clarke.

Clarke lets out an embarrassed groan, but Lexa laughs, taking it in stride.

“Oh Clarke,” she murmurs. “We’re definitely fooling everyone.”

(Lexa thinks she’s even begun to fool herself.)

//

Lexa wakes first, as usual. And when she does, there’s a heavy feeling of dread in her chest and at the pit of her stomach because she knows what today is.

There is no more pretending after this morning. There will no longer be any excuses. There is no reason to be affectionate - no more holding hands or excessive touching or kissing-

Lexa’s stomach drops even further.

Her lips burn at the memory of Clarke’s mouth against hers.

Suddenly Lexa feels too hot, and it’s then that she realizes Clarke’s pressed up against her back, arm around her waist once again. She panics for a moment, is convinced she has to get out of bed and go take a shower.

But then she feels Clarke stirring behind her and stills.

There is a kiss pressed to her shoulder and suddenly Lexa’s skin is on fire where Clarke’s lips left their mark.

“Hi,” Clarke whispers, her voice still raw from sleep.

“Hey,” Lexa barely manages to reply, voice stuck in her throat.

Clarke nuzzles into her, grip on Lexa’s waist tightening as she mumbles, “I don’t want to go back to school.”

“We have to,” the brunette reminds her quietly.

“Do we really?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t you want to stay just a little longer?”

Lexa pauses.

“Of course.”

“Then let’s stay,” Clarke decides, smiling against Lexa’s shoulder blade. “Let’s never move from this bed.”

Lexa frowns. “Clarke, we can’t.”

“We can.”

“We have to go back.”

“You’re not fun.”

“You need to get into med school. I know you have a paper due this week.”

“Lexa,” she whines, needy like a child.

Lexa sighs, too tired to be dealing with Clarke like this in the morning.

“We can stay in bed until your mom calls us for breakfast and then we’re leaving after we eat,” she decides.

“Deal,” the blonde nods behind her.

Clarke re-positions herself so she’s comfortably pressed up against Lexa. Her arm is around enough of Lexa now that she can take Lexa’s hand in hers and intertwine their fingers. Lexa isn’t sure what to make of any of this; there’s no way this is acting now.

“You’re weird,” Lexa tells her as she relaxes into Clarke’s embrace.

“You too,” Clarke replies, giving Lexa’s hand a gentle squeeze.

There are too many questions at the base of Lexa’s throat. She wants to ask about the kiss last night, wants to ask what this is right now. She needs to know why Clarke is holding her and pressing kisses against her skin like it’s their everyday routine. She has to find out if Clarke feels the same flips in her stomach every time they interact like this.

But she’s too afraid to ruin the moment, too afraid something will go wrong.

So she just quietly stays in Clarke’s embrace, allowing her to keep their fingers intertwined and letting Clarke nuzzle her nose against her neck.

(Lexa knows this is the last time she can allow herself this heaven on earth.)   
  


It doesn’t seem like long before Abby’s knocking on the door telling them that breakfast is ready. Slowly, almost painfully, Lexa frees herself from Clarke’s embrace and gets ready for the day. Clarke follows suit quietly, neither of them saying a word.

Breakfast is a painless affair, the conversation is light and joking and Abby has a smile on her face she can’t seem to wipe off. Lexa watches as she and Marcus exchange glances when they think neither of the girls are looking and something in her chest aches to have something like that.

(It scares Lexa. She’s never wanted something like that. Not this desperately.)

“Come home with Clarke again soon,” Abby requests Lexa when they’re at the door, Clarke putting their bags in the car.

Lexa smiles. “Of course I will.”

She hates that she’s pretty sure she’s telling a lie. She won’t be coming back with Clarke, not as her girlfriend.

Abby wraps her in a hug, warm and inviting and something that Lexa recognizes as a hug you’d give to family.

The realization makes her feel sick to her stomach.

“Mom let her go,” Clarke says as she returns to the house. “We need to get on the road.” 

Abby laughs, releasing Lexa at Clarke’s request. “Alright, I’ll let you two go.”

Clarke shakes her head, but she smiles at her mother anyway. “Thank you,” she nods before walking over to her mother.

Lexa steps off to the side, allowing Clarke and her mother a moment to say goodbye. She notices how Clarke’s hold on Abby is tighter than she’ll ever like to admit, and this makes Lexa smile. Abby murmurs something in Clarke’s ear and gives her a knowing look. Lexa wonders what she says when Clarke merely nods and murmurs something back like she’s trying to hide a smile.

Abby follows them out the door and hugs each other them once more, placing identical kisses at the top of both their heads. Lexa hasn’t had the feeling of family like this in forever, and she’s a little overwhelmed by Abby’s immediate affection, but she doesn’t hate it. The woman stands in the driveway as Clarke pulls out and begins to drive out of the neighborhood. Lexa offers her once last wave before they’re gone and Abby is out of sight.

It’s silent for a few moments save for the playlist Clarke has going.

“Well,” the blonde finally says. “We did it.”

“Yeah, we did it,” Lexa echoes.

Clarke comes to the stop light outside of the neighborhood and turns to Lexa. “Thank you for coming. I couldn’t have done this without you.”

Lexa smiles despite her heart slowly sinking. This sounds like the finality of it being over, the cold truth settling in.

“Of course Clarke. I had fun this weekend.”

There’s a flicker of something in Clarke’s expression Lexa can’t catch before the girl’s eyes are back on the road.

“Me too.”

(That night alone in her own bed, Lexa realizes she misses having Clarke pressed up against her.

She also feels lonely and a strange pang in her chest when she wakes up alone.)


	5. five

Lexa buries herself in school work in the days that follow.

She doesn’t mean to.

Okay, maybe she does.

It’s not her fault when Clarke walks into the next morning still half asleep and mumbling about her immediate need for coffee that Lexa has an intense need to walk over and wrap her arms around her waist and leave kisses on her skin.

Or when Lexa’s about to head out to class that same morning and Clarke almost presses a kiss to her cheek but instead awkwardly goes for a hug instead to cover up.

Lexa decides she needs distance from Clarke after spending a whole weekend with her.

So she shows up to class early and leaves campus late, finding herself in the library with the free time she has in between. When she comes home she’ll cook dinner before locking herself in her room to do assignments and study ahead when she knows she doesn’t need to.

(On Tuesdays and Thursdays, Lexa usually meets Clarke after class to eat lunch. Lexa doesn’t show on Tuesday.)

“So you’re avoiding her because you’re in love with her,” Anya says on the phone on Wednesday.

“No,” Lexa immediately denies, shaking her head while she types away on her laptop. “That’s not what’s happening.”

“Um actually, that’s exactly what’s happening.”

“Anya!”

“What? You know I’m not wrong,” her sister points out. “Plus, I don’t get it. From what you said, she sounded into you.”

Lexa scoffs. “Clarke would never be into me, Anya.”

“Are you scared she feels the same way?”

Lexa hesitates. “No...I don’t know.”

“Alexandria.”

“Stop! We’re not having this conversation,” Lexa chastises.

“Okay fine,” Anya drawls out. “But I think you’re overthinking it.”

“Goodbye Anya.”

She gets through four whole days before Clarke says something. Or rather, Clarke has the chance to say something.

It’s Friday afternoon and Lexa thinks she can sneak into her room before Clarke is finished with classes. She walks in expecting the house to be empty, but Clarke is sprawled out on the couch.

“Hey Lex.”

Lexa almost jumps, turning to see the blonde. “Oh, I thought you had class.”

“He let us out early, we just had a quiz today.”

“Oh,” Lexa nods, placing her bag down before waltzing into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” the pre-med student says suddenly, sitting up from her comfortable position. “You’ve hardly been around.”

“Oh you know,” Lexa says, opening the fridge with her back turned to Clarke. “It’s just been so busy this week with papers and such.”

“Right,” Clarke nods, though it doesn’t sound like she’s following along.

Lexa grabs a water bottle and closes the fridge door. She thinks she can get to her room without having to continue this conversation, or looking at Clarke, but Clarke’s speaking again.

“Let’s go out tonight,” she suddenly says.

“What?”

“Let’s go out,” Clarke repeats, standing up and beginning to make her way towards Lexa. “We can go to the bars or I’m sure one of our friends is having a party.”

The brunette frowns, knowing she has to get out of this situation immediately. “I don’t know, Clarke. I’ve been so busy this week and I’m tired and I know next week will be-”

“Come on Lex,” her friend cuts in, only feet away from her now. “You definitely need a night out.”

“Why not a night in?”

Lexa then remembers nights in usually involve the two of them alone on the couch and more often than not Clarke ends up with some part of her body on Lexa and she regrets suggesting it immediately.

“Human interaction isn’t the worst thing in the world you know,” Clarke tells her, crossing her arms.

“Clarke,” she sighs.

“Lexa? Please? Just one night.”

//

This is how Lexa ends up at a party one of Clarke’s pre-med friends is throwing.

(Lexa can never say no to Clarke, doesn’t Clarke know that by now?)

She stays close to Clarke, letting the blonde weave her way through the sea of people in attendance. Lexa recognizes a few people as they walk by, smiling and giving acknowledging nods when she can.

“Clarke!” she hears through the booming music and chatter around them.

A tall and skinny blonde makes her way over to them from the kitchen. The two of them come to a stop, Clarke’s eyes lighting up with recognition and a smile spreads across her face, nice and easy just like it always does when Clarke’s being social.

Something about the girl makes Lexa’s lips turn down ever so slightly.

“Niylah,” Clarke greets when she’s close enough. “Hi.”

“I’m so glad you made it!” the girl - Niylah, Lexa connects - exclaims, grinning at Clarke. “And who’d you bring?”

“This is Lexa,” Clarke says immediately, turning briefly to look at Lexa. “Lex, this is Niylah. She’s roommates with one of my classmates in organic chemistry.”

Lexa puts on a smile and shakes her hand when it’s offered. “Hey, it’s nice to meet you.”

“You too,” Niylah replies, then raises an eyebrow curiously at Clarke with a smile. “Is this your girlfriend?”

Lexa sucks in her breath, eyes widening ever so slightly. She feels Clarke stiffen next to her, looking between the brunette and the blonde in front of her. In this single moment, Lexa feels the ghost of Clarke’s touches, of her lips.

(She wants it to stop.)

“Oh what? No,” Clarke chokes out, shaking her head. “We’re best friends,” she continues easily, adding a forced laugh Lexa can see right through. “We’re also roommates.”

Niylah nods in understanding, looking at Lexa for a second too long before returning her attention to Clarke.

“Shall I get you two some mixed drinks?”

“Please,” Lexa’s best friend answers rather quickly.

“Be back,” the girl winks before sauntering back into the kitchen.

Lexa decides she’s going to need at least a drink or two if she wants to make it through this night with Clarke painlessly.   
  


She has a lot more than one or two drinks. Actually, she’s factored a few shots in there as well. Regardless, she knows she’s had a lot to drink. If anyone asks, she just wanted to let loose - like Clarke said, she needed a night out.

(If anyone asks, it has nothing to do with the way that blonde Niylah girl keeps gravitating back to Clarke somehow, even with all the people in this house. She doesn’t care about how she laughs - too much and too loud, in Lexa’s opinion - at Clarke’s jokes and how Clarke smiles at her like she’s the most amusing thing in the world.)

It’s too many drinks in that Lexa excuses herself outside to the balcony, just for some air. She feels the cold night’s breeze as soon as she steps out and shivers ever so slightly from it. When she’s sure it’s unoccupied she makes her way to the railing, placing both hands on it, reveling in its cold metal.

She tries not to think about how Clarke is inside probably talking to Niylah. She tries not to think about Octavia and her knowing looks, or Abby and her adoration for Clarke and Lexa together, or how being with Clarke last weekend was the easiest thing in the world.

_ Stop. Just stop thinking about her!  _ Lexa screams internally to herself.

Her grip on the railing is tighter and her knuckles grow white, but she doesn’t even notice. All she wants is to stop thinking about Clarke because last weekend was just pretend; Lexa played her part too well and now she can’t get out of her role.

“Lexa?”

She turns even though she knows she shouldn’t. The voice is one she’d recognize anywhere. When she turns, Clarke is there at the sliding door with questioning eyes and a slightly concerned expression.

“I just came out for some air,” the brunette explains, loosening her grip on the railing. “So many people in there.”

“Oh,” Clarke nods, stepping out onto the balcony.

Lexa turns away from her to look at the street below them. Cars pass every now and then and the rare person walks along the sidewalk, but for the most part it stays empty save for the streetlights shining down. She feels the blonde take place next to her, also looking over the railing now. Out of the corner of her eye she can see Clarke’s arm, the way it almost hovers next to Lexa’s, like she’s scared to touch.

“You’re drinking a lot tonight,” Clarke comments.

“Maybe I am.”

“Why?”

“You said I needed a night out.”

She knows Clarke frowns beside her. “You only drink like this when you have something on your mind.”

“School’s hard, Clarke.”

“I’m not buying it.”

“Well I don’t know what to tell you,” Lexa says, giving her an exasperated sigh.

She continues to look at the street even though she knows Clarke is looking at her.

(She tells herself the way she’s suddenly feeling warm is because of the alcohol. That’s all.)

“I haven’t slept well all week,” Clarke tells her.

Everything in Lexa’s body tenses. She breathes in and out while she keeps her eyes on the street below them and nothing else.

“That’s not good” is all she can come up with in response.

“How have you slept this week?”

“Fine,” Lexa answers too quickly.

She knows the second she speaks Clarke sees right through her.

“Bullshit.”

Lexa clenches her jaw.

“Tell me the truth Lexa.”

“I did.”

“Stop lying.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

Lexa whips her head around to face Clarke finally. “Why are you so damn persistent?”

“Because you’re a shit liar when you’re drunk.”

“Who cares if I couldn’t sleep this week Clarke!” Lexa groans, tired and not in the mood for this at all.

Clarke places a hand on her hip, a determined look in her eye. Lexa knows she’s really got herself stuck in this conversation now.

“Why couldn’t you sleep?” Clarke asks.

“Don’t know.”

“Lie again.”

Lexa lets out a sigh. “I don’t  _ know _ , Clarke! Leave me alone.”

“You know, Lexa.”

The brunette just stares at Clarke for a moment. She sees the way Clarke’s not ready to drop it, sees the way she’s going to push until Lexa caves because deep down they both know Lexa  _ always _ caves when it’s Clarke.

“I’m going back inside,” Lexa announces, her voice tired and on the verge of shaking. 

She turns and doesn’t even make it two steps away from Clarke before a hand is grabbing her wrist.

“Lexa,” Clarke says in a softer tone, turning her back around.

“Clarke, I said-”

All she feels is the tug of her wrist and suddenly she’s propelling forwards until she feels slightly chapped lips against hers. Any idea of resisting Clarke is gone because Lexa falls into it all too easily, both hands coming up to hold Clarke’s face in place.

She kisses the girl desperately, like she’s been waiting so long to do it again - and in part she has. At night when she closes her all she craves is the touch of Clarke’s lips on her skin, on her own lips. And now here she is. 

Lexa is drunk and tired and emotionally all over the place, and it’s all because of Clarke.

She lets herself have this because she doesn’t have it in her to pull away, can’t say no to this.

(She has never said no to Clarke.)

And Clarke’s gripping at her waist tightly, pulling her closer and closer until Lexa thinks there’s no possible way to be any closer to her. Clarke just keeps kissing her and Lexa lets her, letting herself have this because she’s gone all week avoiding her best friend. After hurried kisses Clarke’s tongue runs along Lexa’s lips and everything Lexa’s once understood goes out the window because kissing Clarke like this is something as fulfilling as Lexa believes heaven would be.

Lexa doesn’t even realize it, but tears her running down her cheeks and she’s holding Clarke so carefully like if she lets go everything in her life will fall apart.

“Lex...Lexa,” Clarke murmurs, pulling away from Lexa’s lips.

Lexa opens her eyes, blinking when she realizes they’re wet as well as her cheeks. She looks at Clarke, noticing her big blue eyes staring at her in concern and the way her lips are tilted down and her eyebrows are slightly knitted together in worry.

“What’s wrong?” the blonde asks, her voice gentle and full of pure affection.

When Clarke goes to wipe Lexa’s tears, the brunette jerks away from Clarke as if she’d been burned. She quickly wipes at her face, trying desperately to look more put together than she currently is.

Suddenly she feels sober and cold, and maybe like she just did something she shouldn’t have done.

“I..” she manages to choke out, biting her lip. “We shouldn’t - I’m going back inside,” she pieces together, backing away from Clarke.

Full confusion fills Clarke’s features as she tries to take a step towards the girl.

“Lexa, what are you talking about? What’s wrong?”

Lexa takes another step back, putting her arms up to keep Clarke away from her. She shakes her head furiously.

“No Clarke, please don’t,” she tells the girl. “I’m going back inside. I’ll see you at home, okay? Please just - don’t follow me.”

With that she spins on her heel and rushes back inside, keeping her head down and navigating herself to the bathroom.

(It is the first time since Lexa has met the blonde that she has said no to Clarke.)

(Hours later when she’s lying in her own bed with tear-stained cheeks unable to sleep, Lexa tries to ignore the hollow feeling in her stomach and the way her lips remember the way Clarke’s fit against them.)

//

Lexa sleeps in an extra three hours.

This is a shocking revelation because Lexa never sleeps in this late. Not even when she’s had too much to drink and can’t get to bed without assistance.

For a second, she wonders if she can just hide out in her room forever.

But she knows she needs coffee and definitely something real food.

She wonders if Clarke’s already awake. She sits silently in bed for a few moments, trying to listen for footsteps or movement in the kitchen or the low murmur of the TV or music playing, but she doesn’t hear any of it.

Slowly, she crawls out of her bed, oversized t-shirt and fuzzy socks as her attire, and quietly leaves her bedroom.

She doesn’t even make it out ten steps when she spots Clarke’s blonde hair thrown up into a bun as she sits in at the kitchen table with a plate of scrambled eggs, toast and bacon.

“Hey,” Clarke says when she notices Lexa making her way into the kitchen.

Lexa nods before looking away. “Hey,” she replies before grabbing the first coffee mug she sees.

“I was surprised you weren’t up when I left my room,” Clarke tells her, watching as Lexa makes herself coffee.

The brunette focuses on the task at hand, making sure her eyes stay on the coffee she’s making and not wandering over to Clarke.

“Yeah, I’m surprised too.”

“I made you breakfast too,” the pre-med student informs her. “It’s there, on the counter.”

Lexa dares to look away from her coffee that’s brewing to see that there is, in fact, a plate with a paper towel covering the food so it didn’t get too cold. She looks back at her coffee mug, now being filled with liquid to get her through the day.

“Oh,” she says. “Thank you.”

“Of course.”

It’s awkwardly silent for a few moments while Lexa watches the coffee go into her mug and Clarke’s fork scrapes against her plate while she eats. Lexa prays Clarke was drunk enough to forget, that they won’t have to say a word about last night. She knows Clarke was wasted and spent most of her night with that Niylah girl anyway.

(She ignores the way the thought leaves a bitter feeling in her throat.)

“Lexa, are you okay?” Clarke asks.

“Hungover,” Lexa tells her, sipping on her coffee as she turns her back to Clarke. “But fine.”

She feels Clarke’s eyes on her as she walks over to the plate the blonde had prepared for her.

“No, I’m talking about last night.”

Lexa tenses. She stops in place, warm mug still in her hands and the taste of coffee on her tongue. She can’t do this, not now.

“I drank a lot last night Clarke,” she explains. “So did you.”

“You didn’t tell me why you were drinking so much.”

“Do I have to?”

“I’d like to know what’s on your mind.”

Lexa sighs, turning around to face Clarke for the first time. “There’s so much going on with school, Clarke.”

Clarke looks like she doesn’t believe her.

Lexa knows she can’t tell her the truth.

“You were crying when we-”

“Please Clarke!” Lexa exclaims, putting a hand up to stop her from continuing. “Please, don’t.”

“Why not, Lexa?”

Lexa sees Clarke is desperately trying to understand. She sees the confusion and frustration etched across her face, but she knows this is not something she can explain. Not to Clarke.

“We were so drunk last night Clarke,” she tells her, shaking her head. “I was so drunk. Please, don’t talk about it. I didn’t know what was happening and I’ve been under so much stress this past week.”

“Lexa.”

This is not the sound of the determined, confident Clarke that Lexa knows. The way Clarke says her name is almost in defeat, as if she’s not willing to keep putting up the fight to get her way.

(Lexa pushes down the pang in her chest at the realization that for once, Clarke doesn’t want to push Lexa into saying yes to whatever she demands.)

“Thank you for breakfast,” she says, somehow managing to keep her voice steady. “I’m going to be in my room.”

She walks back to her room, picking up the plate as she goes, and closes the door behind her before she lets out a quiet sob.

//

They’re in a weird place in the days that follow.

Lexa stays in her room all Sunday, only coming out when she hears the front door and knows Clarke is gone.

Clarke doesn’t try to question her any longer.

They don’t speak to each other on Monday.

Lexa wakes up for her morning workout earlier and leaves for class way earlier than she knows she should. She keeps herself busy in the library, taking notes and typing up assignments for longer than she knows she should. She doesn’t leave until her stomach grumbles and she looks outside to find it’s already dark.

When she comes home, Clarke has left her some pizza she probably ordered for dinner.

They still don’t speak to each other.

It’s finally inevitable when Lexa comes home from working out a few days later before her first class of the day that Clarke is sitting in the living room with textbooks and her laptop open, typing away furiously.

“Hi,” Clarke says after a few moments of silence.

Lexa looks over to see she’s still focused on whatever she’s working on.

“Morning,” she answers, taking a big swig of water while wiping sweat from her forehead. “Lab report due this morning?”

“Professor said he’d take a look at what we have so far if we go to office hours,” the pre-med student explains. “I’m going before class.”

Lexa nods, grabbing a piece of fruit along with a piece of bread and peanut butter. “That’s good.”

Clarke makes a soft noise Lexa doesn’t know how to answer to, and the two continue to go about their business: Lexa making herself toast and Clarke working on her lab report.

“Do you remember Niylah?” Clarke suddenly asks as Lexa waits for her toast.

Lexa keeps her eyes on the fruit in her hands. “Um…” she pretends to think for a moment, tries to ignore the immediate distaste that fills her stomach. “At the party, right?”

“Mhmm.”

“What about her?”

Clarke keeps typing.

“She asked me out on a date yesterday.”

Lexa looks up from her fruit, to see Clarke’s eyes still trained on her screen, presumably reading what she just wrote.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Clarke murmurs, still reading her work.

Lexa blinks, still staring at her best friend. “And what was your response?”

“I told her I have to check if I’m free this weekend.”

“Are you?”

Clarke finally looks up to meet Lexa’s eyes. “I can be.”

“Oh.”

Lexa’s chest aches at this new information. She had known there was something about the way Niylah hung around Clarke last weekend. Yet she wasn’t sure how to even respond to this.

Thankfully, her toast pops out of the toaster and Lexa is quick to grab it and spread peanut butter all over the surface.

“So?” Clarke prompts, looking at Lexa as if waiting for an answer.

The brunette looks back at her and quirks an eyebrow. “So what, Clarke?”

“Should I go on a date with her?”

Lexa frowns. This is not how this goes. Clarke never asks Lexa if she should go on dates. Actually, Clarke’s usually the one asking people on dates. And even if she was asked, she’d say yes before even informing Lexa she’d been asked out.

Not that Lexa would’ve ever told her not to - or that she felt she needed to have a say, it just wasn’t how they worked.

Something about this makes Lexa’s stomach turn.

“Are you asking me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Clarke pauses.

“You’re my best friend.”

_ I’m your best friend that you kissed _ , Lexa doesn’t say out loud.  _ Multiple times, at that. _

“Do you think she’s cute?” Lexa asks instead, focusing her attention back to spreading the peanut butter on her toast.

Clarke shrugs. “Yeah, she’s cute. And fun.”

“Then I don’t see why you’re asking me,” Lexa says, finishing off the peanut butter.

“Well,” Clarke says. “Okay.”

Lexa picks up her water bottle and fruit, the toast in her other hand. She looks at Clarke, who seems lost in thought as she stares at Lexa.

“Okay.” After a beat she adds, “Have fun.”

“Thanks,” Clarke says, but Lexa’s already making her escape to her room.

(Despite last night, she still has a problem saying no to Clarke.)


	6. six

 

It’s Friday and Lexa prays to God Clarke isn’t home early again because she’s avoided her since that awkward and strange conversation they had the other morning. Except this time, when she enters her apartment it’s not Clarke she finds.

“Anya?” she asks, furrowing her eyebrows as she drops her bag.

There on the couch casually watching TV as if she owned the place was Lexa’s older sister in all her leather-clad and badass glory.

Anya wears her signature smirk as she answers, “Hey little squirt.”

“What are you doing here?” the younger one asks, slowly walking towards her. “How the fuck did you even get in?”

Anya shrugs, giving no answer.

Lexa gapes. “Did you pick my lock?”

“Details,” her sister waves off. She stands, making her way to Lexa casually. “How are you?”

“Anya, what the fuck-”

“Lexa,” she says, making Lexa’s words die before they even finish.

Something about the tone in Anya’s voice makes Lexa think twice before continuing. It’s a tone she has used multiple times over the years. It’s almost harsh in its manner, but it’s enough to get Lexa - who’s stubborn and incredibly hard headed at times - to stop and listen to her. The younger girl looks up at her, eyes wide like a deer.

In a much gentler tone Anya tells her, “Come here.”

Lexa takes the last step between them, collapsing into her sister’s chest. Anya wraps her arms around her sister and hushes her, pressing a kiss at the top of her head. For the first time all week, Lexa is not alone curled up in her bed when she cries.

“I didn’t ask to feel like this,” she whispers into the base of Anya’s neck. “Not with Clarke.”

Anya sighs, chin resting on her sister’s head. “I know, Lexa.”   
  


Clarke returns home two hours later to find Anya on the couch flipping through channels and Lexa busy in the kitchen, most presumably cooking dinner. Lexa hears the door and Clarke shuffling inside, and she tenses because she hasn’t actually seen Clarke since the morning of their conversation.

“Clarke,” Anya hardly greets, and Lexa can imagine her eyes staying glued on the TV.

“Oh hey Anya,” Clarke says rather warily. “Are you..staying the weekend?”

“Yes actually. Until Sunday,” Anya confirms. “Is that a problem, Griffin?”

Lexa can hear the challenge in Anya’s voice, like she’s daring Clarke to stand up to her. She tenses in the kitchen, wondering if her sister has her eyebrow raised with a slight smirk on her lips too.

“No,” Lexa’s roommate answers. “I actually...where’s Lexa?”

“Kitchen.”

The brunette bites her lip, quickly busying herself with what she was doing before Clarke came home. She hears the footsteps behind her and doesn’t turn around. Instead, she mentally preps herself to see and interact with Clarke.

“Lexa,” Clarke says. “I didn’t know Anya was going to be here this weekend.”

She turns around, sighing. “I didn’t either. She just kind of showed up.”

There’s an unfamiliar awkward pause between them. They both look away, unsure what to do. This is not Lexa and Clarke. Nothing between them has ever been so awkward.

“Um, do you want dinner?” Lexa asks. “Anya and I were just going to stay in and watch something on Netflix if you wanted to join.”

She regrets it as soon as it comes out of her mouth because  _ no _ she doesn’t want to spend a few hours sitting between Clarke and Anya. Anya probably wouldn’t even make it five minutes without opening her big mouth and saying something to make Clarke and Lexa both feel extremely uncomfortable.

Clarke quickly shakes her head. “Oh no. I uh--I’m good. You two should catch up and stuff,” she tells Lexa. “I actually...I’m going on my date with Niylah tonight.”

Lexa blinks. “Oh.”

Clarke nods. “Yeah.”

There’s another awkward silence between them, this one more uncomfortable than the last.

“I should--uh, I should get ready,” the blonde says, clearing her throat.

Lexa whips back around, returning to what she was doing before Clarke walked in. “Good idea,” she says quietly, trying to ignore the ache in her chest.

Almost an hour later, Lexa and Anya are seated on the couch, bowls of Lexa’s freshly made dinner in their laps while they fight over what to watch while they eat. Clarke finally emerges from her room, and Lexa drops her argument so fast she’s not even sure it was there in the first place.

Anya raises an eyebrow. “Fancy Griffin. Where are you going tonight?”

“I have a date,” Clarke answers almost sheepishly.

Anya looks from Clarke to Lexa, who immediately looks away from her sister’s questioning look. Clarke shifts from one foot to another, knowing she can’t get out of this one without Anya calling her out on  _ something _ .

“Huh,” the oldest of the three nods. “Have fun.”

“Text me if you need anything,” Lexa adds softly, suddenly very interested in her bowl of food.

Clarke only nods before leaving.

“A date, Lexa?” Anya almost screeches. “She’s out there going on a fucking date while you’re sitting here with your sister in sweats and watching Netflix?”

“It’s not a big--”

“Lexa! You’re in love with her and she seemed into to you too--”

“I’m not in love with her!” Lexa denies, glaring at her sister. “And she wasn’t into me.”

Anya quirks an eyebrow. “Did she not kiss you at the party? Did that not happen last weekend?”

The younger girl squeezes her eyes shut. “We were drunk, Anya. It was nothing. We weren’t thinking.”

“Why didn’t you stop her from going on that date?”

“Because Clarke is her own person, Anya. I’m not going to tell her who she should and shouldn’t date.”

Anya’s lips turn down while she looks at her sister. Lexa busies herself with a spoonful of food and grabbing the remote that’s now resting between them on the couch.

“I’m done talking about this now,” Lexa states, glancing at Anya. “We’re watching a movie and eating dinner and we’re not talking about Clarke or the stupid girl she’s on a date with or the fact that I haven’t properly spoken to her in almost two weeks.”

“Stupid huh?” her sister smirks. “Don’t like her or something?”

“Anya.”

“Fine,” she relents. “But no Rom-Coms. Those are dumb and I don’t get why you cry every time.”

 

//

 

Lexa is fast asleep with her head on Anya’s lap when Clarke comes home. Anya is looking down at her younger sister as she gently runs her hands through Lexa’s tangled locks. Clarke tries to close the door quietly, but Anya still hears her.

The rather placid look on Anya’s face disappears when she sees Clarke. Slowly, she moves off the couch, redirecting Lexa’s head to the couch before she stands.

“Have fun on your little date?” she asks with bitterness.

“Um yeah,” Clarke replies slowly. "It was alright."

Anya only stares at her for a moment, then she’s making her way around the coffee table.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Excuse me?” the blonde asks, confused.

“Are you playing games with her, Clarke?”

Lexa’s big sister’s features begin to harden as she continues to speak, but Clarke only has questions in response.

“What are you talking about?”

Anya rolls her eyes. “She loves you Clarke,” she practically spits out. “My sister is right in front of you and you go off on a date with someone else?”

Clarke is taken aback by the statement. She looks between Anya to the sleeping Lexa. “She what?”

“Don’t play dumb,” Anya scoffs. “Have you seen the girl, Clarke? She’ll do anything for you.”

“Yeah because we’re best friends.”

“God, you and Lexa both kill me with that excuse. Grow up.”

“What do you want from me, Anya?”

Anya raises an eyebrow daringly. “What do I want? I want my sister to stop locking herself up in the library and her bedroom. I want her to stop living her life trying to avoid you. I want her to be able to sleep at night and not cry--”

“Don’t you think I want those things too, Anya?” the blonde asks, her voice rising before her eyes wander to the sleeping figure on the couch. She sighs softly before whispering, “Do you know how much it kills me to see Lexa like this?”

“Then why won’t you  _ do  _ anything about it, Griffin?”

“I’ve tried Anya,” she hisses, growing frustrated with the conversation. “but she’s shut me out. You and I both know she’s stubborn as hell when she wants to be.”

Anya sighs, the anger slightly subsiding. She looks at Clarke for a long moment. Clarke returns the gaze. They both stare at each other for a moment.

“Clarke, do you love her?”

The blonde lets out a long sigh, looking at Lexa’s almost angelic sleeping form. Her entire expression softens. “Just look at her Anya, how could I not?”

“How long, Clarke? How long have you loved her?”

Clarke allows herself a small smile, thinking back to the day she met Lexa when they were nothing but eighteen year olds going out into the world. “Ever since she said calculus was stupid on our first day in class.”

“Tell her that,” Anya suggests. “and maybe you guys wouldn’t be in such a big a mess.”

 

//

 

Lexa takes Anya out and about early Saturday morning after her workout. She only knows Clarke is home and not staying over at  _ Niylah’s _ because the blonde girl’s bag is sitting on the kitchen counter.

(The sight of it relieves Lexa - not that she was looking for any hints.)

It’s almost noon by the time Anya finally whines her way into sitting down and having lunch. Lexa finally gives in, claiming it’s only because her older sister is so goddamn  _ annoying _ and she wants nothing more in the world than for Anya to shut up.

“So…” Anya starts after she’s handed the waiter their menus and he’s out of hearing range. “Are you going to talk to Clarke?”

Lexa’s expression changes almost immediately and she refuses to meet her sister’s gaze. Instead, she fiddles with the salt and pepper shakers set on their table.

“Why would I need to talk to Clarke?”

Her older sister makes a frustrated noise. “You’re being childish, you know that right?”

Lexa lets out a long, exasperated sigh. “I don’t know why you’re still trying. Clarke and I won’t work. She’s already seeing someone else and I’m going to have to deal with it.”

“Oh come on, Lexa you’re--”

“Just drop it Anya,” the younger one says in a sharp and low tone, looking up to meet her sister’s eyes. “None of it should’ve happened anyway. It doesn’t matter.”

Anya is silent for a long moment. Lexa thinks she’s escaped the conversation when her sister doesn’t have an immediate answer. She looks away, going back to playing with the salt and pepper shakers as they sit in a still tense silence until finally Anya speaks.

“Are you afraid of being hurt again like Costia hurt you?”

At the mention of Costia Lexa’s eyes snap back up. There’s nothing in Anya’s features that give her away. She stares at her baby sister with a straight look on her face. Lexa’s jaw clenches because Anya knows not to talk about Costia, that it’s something Lexa tried very hard to put behind her.

“Why are you bringing that up?” she asks quietly. “This has nothing to do with...her.”

Anya practically ignores her. “Costia didn’t set the standard of everything that comes after her.” When Lexa doesn’t respond or share her opinion, she continues. “You can’t close off every opportunity that comes your way because you’re scared they’ll hurt you.”

“Costia has nothing to do with this,” Lexa insists, daring to say the name of the person who caused her so much hurt Lexa thought she’d never be able to crawl her way out of it.

“You felt -- you feel -- something real when it comes to Clarke,” Anya accuses, her voice low and steady, never daring to take her eyes off of her sister across the table. “You feel something you haven’t felt this strongly since Costia and that scares you.”

Lexa inhales sharply. “Anya…”

She doesn’t stop, though. “The second you realized this could happen, that Clarke might just feel the same way, you shut her out. You ran from her, Lexa. You’re still running. You’re going to let her get away from you.”

“Anya I can’t talk about this right now,” the younger one says weakly. “We’re not doing this in public.”

Anya sighs, shaking her head. “I want you to be happy, Lex. You deserve it.”

“I can take care of myself,” Lexa informs her.

(But she doesn’t deny anything Anya has said because deep down she knows there’s truth in her sister’s words.)

 

//

 

(Lexa forces Anya to hang out with her in the city all day to avoid going home.

Clarke spends all day in her room sitting in front of her easel, playing music much too loud and letting colors blend together.

Clarke hopes she’ll be able to talk to Lexa once she takes Anya to the airport, but all she hears on Sunday morning is Anya yelling a goodbye to Clarke from the door and Lexa doesn’t return home until it’s dark and Clarke has already retreated to her room for the night.)

 

//

 

Lexa continues to avoid Clarke. She makes her workout routine longer and finds work to do so she can keep herself locked up in the library.

The difference this time though is all she can hear echoing in her mind are Anya’s words.

“ _ You feel something you haven’t felt this strongly since Costia and that scares you. _ ”

No matter how hard she runs, no matter how furiously she types away at her laptop - Lexa cannot erase these words out of her mind. All she can think about is what she feels when she sees Clarke’s eyes light up at the sight of her, how Clarke will tease but immediately pull her in close and mumble apologies when Lexa scowls and pouts, how Clarke makes her feel safe and sound when she’s near. 

All she can think of is how she hasn’t felt anything like this since Costia.

(She is starting to think this is something more than what she felt with Costia.)

But she hasn’t even done so much as spoken to Clarke in days, not since she left for her date.

Oh, how the thought of Clarke and Niylah makes Lexa’s stomach turns.

She wonders if Clarke’s been spending time with her since Lexa’s never around. Has she been taking her out? Has Niylah come back to their place?

The questions make Lexa uneasy, just the thought of Clarke being able to find someone else when Lexa shut her out in a way she hadn’t ever done before.

When she comes home late at night, she finds leftover takeout on the counter with her name cleanly labeled on it. She knows without even having to think about it that it’s Clarke’s handwriting there. For a moment her insides fill with something she hasn’t felt since she stopped talking to Clarke. She opens the box and finds her favorite noodles inside, and next to them her go-to sauces.

(This happens every night without question. Lexa doesn’t ask Clarke, Clarke doesn’t say a word.)

It’s only halfway through the week when Lexa realizes she’s exhausted. She’s exhausted from the lengthy workouts. She’s exhausted from the extra hours she’s putting into her school work. She’s exhausted from avoiding Clarke at every turn.

She’s also exhausted from not having her best friend in her life the way she used to.

Lexa goes home early - for her new routine, anyway - and she can’t decide whether or not she hopes Clarke is home or not. She wonders if Clarke would even be home. Maybe Clarke hasn’t been spending much time around here either. Maybe she’s out with someone else--

Her thoughts fall at her feet when she enters their apartment and she can hear someone cooking in the kitchen. Lexa’s eyebrows quickly furrow together because after finding out Clarke can most definitely not cook, the brunette was the only one that would ever be doing anything involving pots and pans and the stove in the kitchen.

Lexa’s breath hitches, wondering if someone else is in the kitchen - someone that isn’t her. Slowly, she drops her backpack by the door and makes her way into the kitchen. There she finds Clarke’s back to her, hair haphazardly thrown up into a messy bun. She stands over the stop, holding the pan handle with one hand and a spatula in the other. Lexa has no clue what she’s making - and the smell is no help either - but in this moment her feels her heart do that stupid little thing it so often does when it comes to Clarke.

“Are you cooking?”

The sound of Lexa’s voice makes the blonde jump, almost dropping the spatula. She turns around, eyes wide at the sight of Lexa actually in the apartment and speaking to her.

“Oh, I um--yeah” Clarke says, clearing her throat. “I didn’t know you were going to be home.”

Lexa shrugs, biting her lip. “I decided to come home early from the library.”

Clarke pauses before saying, “I was going to save some for you. You know, since you come home late.”

“You didn’t have to,” Lexa replies immediately.

“I don’t mind,” Clarke replies just as quickly.

The two of them stare awkwardly for a moment, the sound of Clarke’s food cooking filling the air. Lexa shifts her weight from one foot to the other, unsure of what to say. Clarke looks at her like she’s trying to figure her out.

“I’m going to shower,” Lexa says suddenly.

Clarke blinks, nodding. “Okay.”

She turns back around, tending her whatever she’s cooking.

Lexa begins to walk away, but Clarke’s voice stops her.

“Hey Lexa?”

“Yeah?” she turns, tilting her head ever so slightly.

“Uh if you’re not too busy tonight we can, you know, eat dinner and watch TV or something,” Clarke suggests.

At first, Lexa begins to inwardly panic. Her instinct is to run, to say she has a million things to get done and that she can’t before promptly locking herself in her room. But then she looks at Clarke, who’s attempting to cook and was going to leave her some even though Lexa has completely shut her out the past few weeks.

When Lexa takes too long to respond Clarke adds with a nervous chuckle. “I promise my food won’t kill you.”

Lexa relaxes, offering the slightest smile. “We’ll see about that, won’t we?”   
  


So Clarke’s food isn’t terrible. It’s pretty basic cooking if you ask Lexa - just vegetables and chopped chicken mixed in with brown rice. What’s making her uncomfortable is the large space between them and the awkward silence that only the sounds from the TV fills.

Lexa can’t remember the last time they’d been this far apart - not only physically but emotionally. She can feel Clarke’s eyes on her when the blonde thinks Lexa doesn’t notice, how there’s words on the tip of Clarke’s tongue but she’s debating on whether or not she should speak them. It’s starting to make Lexa feels way more uncomfortable than she’d been a few minutes ago.

“Spit it out Clarke,” Lexa finally says after Clarke glance at her yet again.

Rather than play dumb like Lexa expects, Clarke does exactly what she asks.

“I’m not seeing Niylah.”

Lexa blinks. “Huh?”

Clarke moves her found around in her bowl with her fork to distract herself as she clarifies, “I didn’t...it didn’t feel right.”

The brunette nods, unsure of how else to properly respond to that. “Oh....” After a beat she adds while poking at her food, “I’m sorry then.”

“Don’t be.”

Lexa turns her head to Clarke, whose blue eyes are looking at Lexa with too many emotions the pre-law student can’t seem to decipher as well as she could have maybe a month ago. She feels the sudden rise in her chest and her cheeks grow warm.  

_ You feel something you haven’t felt this strongly since Costia and that scares you. _

“Clarke I’m sorry,” she says suddenly, TV and food long forgotten.

Clarke lets out a soft laugh. “No Lexa it’s fine, it was nothing.”

Lexa shakes her head, putting her bowl on the coffee table in front of them. “I’m not talking about Niylah,” she explains, watching as Clarke’s expression grows from endearment to confusion. “I’m talking about me.”

“Why are you apologizing?” the blonde asks, completely baffled.

“I ran,” Lexa sighs. “I...I’ve been terrible these past few weeks. Actually, I’ve been terrible since we came back from Arkadia.”

Clarke’s immediately shaking her head. She places her own bowl on the table as well and shifts so she’s closer to Lexa. “No no, it was a bad idea Lexa,” she immediately tells her. “I should’ve never put you in that position. I shouldn’t have asked at all. You should’ve said no, I--”

“I was never going to say no,” Lexa cuts her off, rubbing her arm anxiously. “It was never going to be a no.”

“What are you talking about?”

Lexa looks at Clarke, who can’t seem to be following the conversation. Lexa thought after all this time Clarke would get it, but yet here she is, lost as ever.

Her voice grows quiet and fragile, something Clarke hasn’t heard since...well, since Costia.

“It’s never no when it comes to you, Clarke.”

Clarke looks at her for a long moment, brows knitted together as if trying to figure Lexa out like she does when she’s trying to define a new term for a test or understand why things happen in science.

“I still don’t sleep well,” Lexa admits when Clarke doesn’t say a word.

“I don’t either.” Clarke’s eyes turn gentle and her expression softens. “Do you want to tell me why now?”

“It’s probably the same reason as you.”

Clarke is silent for another moment, and Lexa isn’t sure how to take it. The blonde shifts even closer, eyes never leaving Lexa.

“Why did you keep running from me?”

Lexa takes a breath, looking down before meeting Clarke’s eyes again. “I was scared.”

“Of me?”

“Of how much you make me feel,” Lexa explains quietly. “That weekend in Arkadia, Clarke I haven’t felt that much since…”

And just like nothing ever changed, Clarke knows exactly how to fill in the empty spaces.

“Since Costia,” she supplies, her hand now on Lexa’s knee. “Lex, I’m not Costia. I would never--”

“I know that,” Lexa promises. “I do now.”

Clarke nods supportively, giving Lexa’s knee a gentle squeeze. Lexa leans into her and Clarke provides the warmth Lexa’s longed for since they came back.

“Lexa?” Clarke whispers after she’s been quietly stroking Lexa’s hair for a few moments.

Lexa hums in question, moving so she’s facing Clarke. Their faces are way too close and Lexa can’t seem to catch her breath properly.

“Please don’t run away from me this time.”

Before Lexa can do so much as try to form a question, Clarke catches her lips swiftly. Lexa melts into it quickly, one hand grabbing onto the fabric of Clarke’s shirt. She kisses Clarke slowly and gently, like she’s thought about doing so many times over the past few weeks. The blonde’s arms wrap around Lexa’s middle, pulling her closer to the point where Lexa has to lay on her back to make it comfortable for both of them. Clarke straddles her, never breaking their kisses. She grips Lexa’s sides so tightly, as if she’s afraid Lexa might leave.

Clarke’s kisses become hurried and Lexa pulls away to slow it down. She looks up at Clarke to see the blonde looking down at her with the bluest her eyes have ever been. Lexa’s lips form into a smile because she feels her heart swell at the sight of Clarke and when Clarke smiles back she feels whole again.

“I won’t go anywhere.”

(She can never say no to Clarke. It might not be such a problem anymore.)


End file.
